Resolutions I Can Stick To!

Year after year people decide upon their New Year resolution. But how many people actually stick to their resolutions? There are those that decide that they will lose 50 pounds, but by the second week of January, how many people throw that out the window, when the chocolate cake because just too appealing? I have known many people with the resolution to quit smoking...but once they become stressed, well one cigarette doesn't count. 

I usually neglect to make New Year resolutions because I know myself and I know I will forget to stick to them. This year, however, I have decided that I will make some. My resolutions will be realistic ones and ones that I believe I can actually keep. 

• Become more organized- I've purchased a planner and written down all of the events for the year that I already know about. I've enlisted the help of a friend who is a fantastic organizer. A huge factor of my current disorganization is my Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) so I'm headed off to a counselor to talk about that and figure out new coping mechanisms. 
• Become more financially responsible- I've altered my schedule to increase the number of hours I am working and I am being more conscious about my purchases and the way in which I spend my money. The biggest part has to do with organization and being aware of how much I have in my bank account (which means I will need to write down all of my transactions).
• Develop my prayer life- When I sat down with my CPM (Committee on Preparation for Ministry) this was something I decided that I need to work towards, but since then I haven't really made any progress. I'm searching for a devotional that captures my attention and one that I will stick with. Any suggestions will be appreciated.
• Become healthier- Like so many other people there is the underlying desire to lose weight. I would love to have the pounds just melt away, but more than anything else it is simply a desire to feel healthier. So that will include eating healthier (tonight it was spinach salad instead of the mashed potatoes and deep fried chicken patty), increased physical exercise (not necessarily hitting the gym hard but other things as well, today it was a walk around the graduate college's campus and the Institute for Advanced Study), and simply making smarter health decisions. 
• Sleep- I get a lot of it. I don't get sleep at the appropriate times. I need to move away from the going to bed at 3 AM and catching up on sleep on the weekends and move towards the getting 8 hours of sleep, even if that involves social sacrifices. Appropriate sleep schedules need to be a priority. 

5 resolutions. All of them are things that I will have to be conscious about. Some will be easier than others. Some will require a lot of help from other people. Some I simply need to make a priority in my life. Many of them will require sacrifice. I think I can do it. I think they will help to make me a better person physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally, in all the ways that matter. 

Words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated as I try to stick to these. 

The Commencement Speech I Would Give

I was sitting at my desk at work yesterday and my mind started to wander, as it typically does. It wandered to the speeches that were given at my High School graduation, and the speeches I've seen at other graduations. It wandered to the speeches given last year at AUC's graduation and then it arrived on if I were to give a speech at graduation what would I say? That thought mixed with reflecting on my time in college came up with this:

Lessons Learned

In my time at Atlantic Union College, I have said more than once, “I can’t wait to graduate”. Alright, to be honest, I have said that more times than I can actually count. When struggling through professor Lugenbeal’s Greek class: I cannot wait to graduate! When procrastinating in Dean Francis’ statistics class: I cannot wait to graduate! When attempting to understand the theological and apocalyptic implications of the interpretation of the different horses in the sixth chapter, verses 1 through 8, of the book of Revelation and the symbolism behind their coloring in Doctor Davis’ course on Revelation, (and surprise Dean Davis, I was paying attention), I may have uttered a couple hundred times, “I can’t wait to graduate!” From the day, I was accepted to graduate school, my mantra has been “I cannot wait to graduate!” 

And yet here I stand, mere moments from graduating from college, and I begin to reflect on my time here. I think of the things learned in the classroom but truly, it is the things learned outside of the classroom that stick out the most. There were the times I left class completely confused and it was not until studying with friends that things began to click. It was outside of class where I learned valuable things, like which toiletry bottles are best for holding open a window. (Turns out that a can of hairspray works best FYI). It was outside of class where I learned one of life’s most valuable lessons: It does not matter if you are white and have no rhythm whatsoever, get your butt out on the dance floor and enjoy yourself. It was outside of class where I learned that if you manage to go to sleep at 9:00 PM and wake up at 3:30 AM you will have amazing amounts of energy and actually manage to get work done. At that same time, I realized that no one is in the girls’ dorm computer lab at 3:30 AM so the only distraction from your work is yourself. 

It was outside of classes that I learned what a mystery substance known as stripples are. One of the greatest lessons I have learned during my nearly four years at Atlantic Union College was not learned in a classroom, it was not part of an assignment, and it was not during a chapel. The greatest thing I learned was something I learned from a fellow student this past semester. The greatest thing I learned was positive thinking. If you put yourself down that means, everyone else can. If you think you are beaten, you are. If you do not challenge yourself, no one ever will. A friend, whom I wish I had met earlier in my academic career, taught me this and I do not exaggerate when I say that it was her annoying little goal to drill it into my head over the course of the semester. 

In my time at Atlantic Union College, I have met amazing people. There have been professors who have guided us along the way. The first one that comes to mind is Rick Trott, who I have mentally referred to as Trottikins in my time here. Most of us have a professor that has given us extra help or has made our time here worth it. We have made friends here. Some of those friends we might never see after May 15, others we will stay in touch with via Facebook or email, and then there are those others...those that you have met in your time at AUC who have become family. I know for me at least, there are people I am graduating alongside that are like brothers and sisters to me, who I will not be losing contact with whether they like it or not. 
 

In my time at AUC, I have learned how to parse Greek verbs, how to find the standard deviation, how to counsel people, how to preach a sermon, how to be a pastor, how to be a friend, how to introduce myself in Spanish at a church, and how to develop my ideas in order to win an argument. Adam Ingano’s Radicals & Reformers, Rick Trott’s Christian Ethics, Andrew Francis’ Computer classes, Francy Duran’s History of Christianity, Gidget Keech’s Group Counseling, Roger Bothwell’s Introduction to Psychology, and Adam Ingano’s American National Government, these are some of the classes that have taught me lessons and provided me with experiences that I will keep with me after I leave this place, this campus, this town. 

In my time at Atlantic Union College, I have learned how to defend my beliefs and I have learned who I am. These are two of the most vital lessons a person can learn in life and I have Atlantic Union College to thank for that. Now that college is done, I intend to sleep for a week. I have to catch up for all of those all-nighters we have pulled this semester. I leave you with the memorable words of our former president, George W. Bush, “To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you too may one day be president of the United States.” 

Paying for Seminary

I have been so busy lately that I have been forgetting to do a lot of things...and one of those things is blog.

Money sucks! I wish we lived in a world where everything wasn't so dependent on money. David and I have had this conversation numerous times. He agrees, the fact that our society seems to revolve around money is depressing. My brother and I got into a fight the other night. Well, by fight I mean he informed me that I am wasting my life and that I'll never make money and will therefore get divorced, and I tried to defend myself. My family does not understand the desire to be a Pastor. No matter how many times I attempt to explain it, it never sinks in. My brother apparently looked at some list of professions and the amount of money they make and ministry was at the bottom of the list. Try as I might, my brother will never understand that it is not about the money. He also read that 80% of divorces are over money. So if I follow his logic: I'll become a pastor, I won't make any money, I'll be poor, and then I will get divorced because I have no money. Sigh!

I suppose what is making me write this post is the idea of paying for Seminary. I got my award letter for this year and it depressed me. With the PTS grant and Federal Work Study, I have been awarded $13,250. That's great, but when I use the cost calculator, it's not so great. Tuition+fees+dorm+15 meal plan+books=$20,880. $20,880-$13,250=$7,630. Considering I am financially independent (I don't have anyone helping me pay for school), and already have a lot of loans from my undergraduate years, that is incredibly daunting and depressing. Considering part of what my brother said is right, ministry does not make a whole lot of money, the idea of taking more loans on is frustrating.

So right now, I am wading my way through the Internet trying to find ANY grants and scholarships that I qualify for and applying to them. I'm already in a stressing and depressed mood due to the amount of work I have to do and this new factoid is not helping at all!

I did It!

In the event that my last post was confusing, allow me to explain: I "have been accepted into candidacy for the Master of Divinity - M.Div. program starting in the Fall Term of the 2011-2012 Academic Year." Last week I had received the letter telling me that it could take up to six weeks to get notification, and I have been checking the website daily, so I was not expecting anything. David's mom came by campus to bring me mail on her way to the library and Low and Behold amongst my mail was a letter from Princeton Theological Seminary! I opened it and once I read the word "Congratulations!" I screamed. I'm not going to say that I had a mature response. I screamed...multiple times. I have been praying and praying for this to happen and oh my goodness my prayers have been answered.

The first person to know was Jenn (David's mother) because she was there when I opened it. I then called David and left a voicemail. Once he called me back I did a little more celebrating. I told my two best friends on campus and then my favorite professor, Mr. Adam Ingano. He wrote one of my recommendation letters so I went and interrupted his class to tell him. I called my grandmother's house and left a message for my mother and grandmother. Then I told David's father and sister. I called my brother and told him and then I called my sister.  I figured I had all of the people who would skin my alive if they had to find out second hand or by facebook, so I posted it online. After that started the texts.: My boss, Alexander (see previous post about the only other person applying to grad school), the Dean of Students (he has asked every day if I had heard), my advisor (who was in the hospital and appreciated the text), my uncle, one of the people in Boston I used to live with, a few on campus friends, my camp friends, and a few other random people. I also emailed the secretary of my CPM to let CPM know. I also emailed someone that I am close to on Boston's COM who has been in conversation with me about seminary options. Hopefully I covered everyone.

Possibly the best reaction I received as from my friend Kelly. Kelly is a senior in high school and has been like a little sister to me for years. She got accepted to an amazing music college in NYC and we had talked about the very real possibility of getting together regularly if I got into Princeton. I sent her a text to let her know that I got in and that we are going to have fun together next year and her response was "HOLY BALLS CONGRATULATIOOOOOOONS! Oh man I can't wait for next Year!!" Clearly the best response.

For the first time I feel that my family is actually proud of me. I've always felt like an outcast in my family and that they never were really proud of anything I have done. I'm going into ministry and as a much of lapsed catholics they do not really understand that. They pretty much want me to get a job that will pay. If I had decided to go to Louisville or some other seminary they would probably pretend to be supportive but the fact that Princeton is a name that people know is something that they can be proud of. My mother can now say that her daughter is going to Princeton. When I told my brother yesterday he said "we always knew  the smart one." When we were younger that was used to make fun of me, but now it's morphed into an actual complement. When he said it there was no sarcasm or malice. My mother said (via text) "I always knew u was the smartest!" and "so proud of u luv u" and "It is all u girl u did it by urself and u deserve it". It made me feel good to read that! I have worked for this and I achieved it. I haven't had the best relationship with my mother, but I'm working on it. To hear that she is proud of me is something I've needed to hear for years.

Waiting...Sucks!

Waiting sucks. When you are waiting for an answer it can be excruciatingly painful. Alright, that might be a slight exaggeration. But when that one decision is all you can think about, there is a bit of an aching feeling thinking about waiting for it. 

When I applied to college I was not too concerned. I applied to some random schools that I was not too passionate about. I was not too sure what I was doing with my life or what path I was headed down. Once I got into a college I knew that it would all work out. It didn't really matter what college I went to, so long as I went to college. When I was applying to colleges most of the people around me where as well. We all applied to colleges together and we all had to wait for the decisions. I even when to look at a school with some of my classmates. Everyone applying to college was sitting in the same boat, all playing the waiting game together.

The next step is a whole different ball of wax. This time around I care. I know what I want out of life. I know what direction I want to go in. I know which rabbit hole I want to fall down. This time around, I care about where I go to school. This time around I am not applying to a bunch of random schools. This time around, getting into a school doesn't matter...it's about getting into THE school. I am applying to three Seminaries: Princeton Theological Seminary, Louisville Presbyterian Theological Seminary and Iliff School of Theology. I care about all three schools and am interested in them for different reasons. So far I have applied to Princeton (they had the earliest deadline) and I am working on my applications to the other two.

Waiting for a response from Princeton has been exhausting. I check their website daily to see if I can find out the answer. I think about it at night, and everytime someone on campus asks me about the future, they are asking about Princeton. I got a letter in the mail this past week, from Princeton. My boyfriend's mom called to let me know it arrive. My question for her was "Big envelope or small envelope?" When she told me it was a small envelope I immediatly got discouraged. In my mind a small envelope equals rejection. It turns out that it wasn't a rejection or an acceptance, but rather they were informing me that my file was complete and that their admissions committee would now be reviewing it. I was so excited, only to be told to wait some more.

Today I told my friend Alexander that I recived a letter from Princeton and he got excited. I told him it was a small envelope, he got depressed. I told him what it said, he felt bad for me. Alexander understands what I am currently going through and where I am coming from because he is experiencing the same thing. The difference is is that he has already gotten accepted by his first choice school. Alexander now knows that he will be studying at Springfield College for his masters in psychology in the fall. I feel bad talking to most people about this situatuion because they aren't experiecing the same thing. There is a very few number of my graduating class that is applying to programs for further education. I know of three people definitivly (myself- Master of Divinity, Alexander- Masters of Psychology, Francisco- Masters in Music) and there are a few people that may or may not apply to the Adventist seminary, if they do not get job offers after graduation. While my close friends do not seem to mind me complaining about the process adn the waiting period I feel that everyone else doesn't understand.

Waiting sucks. I have reached the point where whether it is yes or no (PLEASE be Yes!) I just want an answer. The waiting is killing me!

mea culpa

I feel like I have been saying sorry a lot lately. The thing is most of the time, I am simply doing it to appease people. I am not actually sorry. I am sorry for the long break in between posts. That I really am sorry for. I mean to blog more often but stupid life and stupid drama take up way too much of my time.
Apparently I have changed. Someone told me today that "the usual you wouldn't have done that". That got me to thinking...The usual me? Who is the usual me? How can someone tell me what the usual me is? Shouldn't I know the usual me more than anyone? And besides all that, change is good.
The fall semester of my senior year of college just ended. One semester left until I am no longer a college student. One semester left until I have finished my 4 year sentence. one semester until I am hopefully becoming a seminarian. Reflecting on the fact that I have one semester left freaks me out. I really need to buckle down! No more playing around, no more procrastination. It's all about hitting the books next semester.
I have decided that there are certain changes in my life I need to make. No longer can I jerk around and then do everything at the last second. (Yes, I know this will take a LOT of work, but I'm going to start). I am also extraordinarily sick of drama. I am sick of being dragged into the drama of people's lives. I am sick of being surrounded by toxic relationships. My own relationship is perfectly amazing and I have hardly any drama in my own life so I am official done with other people's drama rubbing off on me. Enough!
I am also surrounding myself with more people, but at the same time engaging in hermitism. I have expanded my circle of friends and have begun hanging out with people I have not hung out with in a very long time. I am surrounding myself with all types of people and I enjoy it. At the same time I value alone time. Part of me wishes I were a hermit. Therefore I will create an equal balance of socialising and being by myself. I get stuff done when I have alone time. So next semester I will randomly escape to my dorm room and hide there for a night or for a weekend. I get too overwhelmed when I am surrounded by people 24/7. If I randomly disappear do not get angry, but get used to it.
Ch-ch-ch-Changes!

Danger Will Robinson

Today is one of those days where people should avoid me at all costs. There is a large chance that if the wrong person says the wrong thing I will snap. Now mind you, I am not a violent person, but I can be a huge B*tch when provoked. And today is one of those days.

The worst part is, I'm not even sure why I am like this. No, wait, that
might be a lie. There is a lot of crap going on in my life currently and it's
all bottling up. Normally this mood is like a hangover, and I can just sleep it
off. Apparently not today. I had a dream this morning that just made things
worse. So I have been staying with my boyfriend's family when I am not at
school. It was initially only supposed to be for a few weeks. Last night his mom
told me that she wants me to move out the week after graduation. so I have to
find somewhere to live at that point. That is what sort of allowed all of my
negative emotions to rise to the service. While texting with my boyfriend last
night he asked me what was wrong and this was my response

"The fact that my friends hate each other and I am stuck in the middle
being a horrible friend to at least some one at all times. The fact that one of
those friends has decided that if he doesn't take time off next semester and
leave the country he will kill himself (and that i am the only one that knows).
The fact that I don't know what the hell I'm doing come graduation. The fact
that I have to take 28 credits next semester in order to graduate. The fact that
my mother is suddenly appearing and trying to be every type of mother she never was I have no (expletive) clue how to approach that or respond. The fact that the head of my department has decided to start trying to convert me and is giving me a hard time for everything AND informed me, in class, yesterday that he will give me a hard time until I graduate. And I can't talk to friends because either they don't care or are in part the cause of my distress."

Like I said normally I can just sleep and the emotions go away. That's how it normally works. That is my normal coping technique. I avoid them and they go away. Yeah it's probably not healthy, but it works for me. I should probably add that I avoid confrontation AT ALL COSTS!!!!!! There was too much of it when I was a kid and so I try to have none in my adult life. I blast some music and drift off to sleep and I wake up and it's all better. That did NOT work this time. I put on some evanescence and went to sleep. I woke up this morning from a dream and the dream I had had only made the emotions, the thoughts, the everything worse. Which is why I reason it would be a good idea to stay away today. I feel bad because at least one of my friends is trying to talk to me. Problem is she's one of the Friends mentioned in the text to David (boyfriend).

So I can't tell her the extent of what is bothering me. So I only told her about
the dream. This is what I explained The dream: I had a dream where my father and I were with my grandfather. I couldn't see his face the entire time because I don't remember what he looks like. So it was a blur instead of his face. We were in his condo or something and getting along really well. At first it was awkward but in the end I was sitting next to him on the couch and like rested my head on his shoulder. But that dream could never take place. Mainly because my dead is dead! And also because he would have never been in the same place as his father.

You have to understand about my family. I don't really remember my grandfather. I found his address on google a few months ago and I've been wanting to write, but to be honest I am afraid too. I don't really know the extent of what happened. Mainly because everyone treats me like a little kid and tell me absolutely nothing. I'll be 22 in 6 days, time to treat me like an adult, but that's a tale for another time I suppose. I'm not sure what happened between my dad and my grandfather but it was huge. I've heard rumors but no one has ever said directly "this is what happened". I do know I haven't seen my grandfather in a long long time. He didn't even come to Dad's funeral. I have one memory and that is of my cousin Timmy and I, we must have been 2-3 years old and we are sitting next to my grandfather on Christmas eve. That's it. I saw a picture of him in the slide show from my grandmother's wake in March which sort of inspired me to get in touch, but as I said I am afraid.

So I have had a craptastic week. Everything is compounding. Between school,
friends, drama, advisers, my mother, post-graduation, my messed up dreams, and the desire yet fear to know my grandfather my everything feels like it will
crumble if the wind blows. I advise keeping your distance today. Hopefully
tomorrow my coping mechanisms will get their act together and work.

Princeton wrap-up

I am really glad I decided to take the trip down to Princeton. I have known so many people that have gone through Princeton that I had an image of it in my headed, but I really needed to go there and see if the image in my head actually matched up with the school. Overall, I would say that it did. Here is my breakdown of Princeton:
What I liked:

• The campus is beautiful
• Almost everyone lives on campus, which is great because it puts a real emphasis on community
• Faculty all live very close to campus
• There are three dorms on campus and everyone is intermingled (it isn't like Juniors live in one, middlers in another, and seniors in a third). I went into a dorm room and it was gigantic compared to dorms at other schools. And everybody gets a single!
• the faculty I met seemed very approachable and students say that the faculty is amazing
• There seems to be a great dining area (yes they always put out better food when prospectives come but the regular food was great too), they know how to cook proper vegetarian food (not the AUC fake stuff), and they will cater for dietary needs!
• Worship isn't mandatory but it is offered every day. And every service is different.
• There is a multicultural aspect.
• Everyone on campus genuinely seems nice. Students, faculty, staff, etc stopped and talked to me because I was looking at the school.
• It's PCUSA, so basically I could be living polity everyday, which will really help with the ordination process
• 100% of tuition is covered
• Not everyone is going into Pastoral Ministry. I have no clue what I want to do. I feel called to serve in ordained ministry but I'm not sure in which capacity. I have interests in Social Justice, The Global South,and Ecumenical relations but what can I do with that?
• The classes are amazing. And just because 2 people are getting the same degree doesn't mean they will take the same classes. My friend and her husband have both done the M.Div program at PTS and only took 3 of the same classes.

What I don't like:

• It's 5 hours from home...I'm sick of driving after the first 2 hours
• I got lost in the middle of nowhere New Jersey on my way home!
• It's more rural than I was hoping for (but apparently its 1 hour to NYC, 1 hour to Philly, not too far from the Poconos, not two far to the beach, etc so you make it work)

Obviously the list of things I like greatly outweigh the list of things I don't like. So if I get in, it's pretty easy to see that PTS would be my choice.