Discerning Our Calls

This week I have been thinking about my call and how it is intimately intertwined with service and social justice. I was asked to speak to a group of prospective students about discerning your call with emphasis placed on social justice and service. I find this slightly difficult because I am still discerning my call so how can I tell someone else how to discern his or hers? I have eight months of seminary under my belt and taking it day by day. I am a member of a group of students dedicated to social justice and sustainable community engagement. I want to volunteer and I want to get others interested in volunteering…but what does that have to do with my call?

For me, the first step in this was determining what I truly care about. There are so many important things that interest me like tutoring and literacy, but what is closest to my heart? What motivates me? I realized that for me there are two things: homelessness and LGBTQ teens and young adults. Unfortunately, these issues tend to go hand and hand.

So what does this mean for my call? Well, first it means that I am doing this now to connect myself with this. Last semester I spent a number of Saturday nights in Philadelphia volunteering at a drop in center for LGBTQ young adults helping out with personal care kits and anything else they needed and volunteering at different World AIDS day events. I am going through training to become a volunteer for the Trevor project 800 hotline and setting up a partnership between our group on campus BGLASS and the Triad-House (a home in Trenton for homeless, abused, and neglect LGBT teens). These things are not to brag about what I have done but rather because I believe that, your call is firmly rooted in your past. And the service and social justice that we are passionate about. I feel called to congregational ministry, but a congregational ministry that has an interest in these things.

In Need of Guidance

I am having a massive internal conflict as of late. The basis of my conflict is field ed and more precisely, where I should do my field ed. For all those who are not well familiarized with the PCUSA ordination process and/or Princeton Theological Seminary academic requirements let me explain. The seminary mandates that I have to do one academic year placement and one summer placement. One of those two placements must be at a church. My Presbytery says that I have to do a church placement as well as a Clinical Pastoral Education placement at a hospital that is accredited by the Association for Clinical Pastoral Education (ACPE). That’s all well and good and I have no problem with any of those requirements.

I was offered a position for this coming summer (summer 2012) at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia. At first, I was super excited but now I am having second thoughts. There are two main reasons for my doubts, one having to do with I suppose logistics and the other having to do with ministry. CHOP is obviously in Philadelphia. If I were to drive to Philly every day, it would take me at least an hour. I would then have to park in their remote parking lot and take a shuttle from the parking lot to the hospital. At the end of my long day at the hospital, I would then have to drive an hour back to Princeton with traffic. My other option would be public transportation. If I lived on campus I would walk to the Dinky, take the dinky to Princeton Junction, take the train to Trenton, take the Trenton line from Trenton to Center City, take the Media/Elwyn line and then walk. If I live in CRW, I would have to drive to a station or take the shuttle to campus. That would involve leaving at 6:20, if I needed to be at the hospital by 8:30. It is a lot of traveling and I would hate it early in the morning and after my day at the hospital. I also feel like it would be very expensive.

The other cause of my doubts pertains to ministry. I emailed the Committee on Preparation for Ministry for the Presbytery of Boston and they are very specific that Clinical Pastoral Education sites must be ACPE accredited in order for the committee to count it as CPE for the ordination requirements. This means that even though I would be doing everything that I would do at a CPE site it would not count as such. In my mind, if it isn’t going to count as the requirement I need then I should do something that will fulfill my requirements and because I am feeling myself called more towards parish ministry I feel that I should probably spend the summer doing field ed at a church.

I have no idea what to do and this internal battle I am having about what to do is both distracting and me bringing me to tears. I’m working on praying for some guidance but would love and appreciate input. 

Life Experience

I think I'm having a not quite a quarter life crisis.
Being here at Princeton this summer, there have been a lot of instances where I wish that I didn't come straight here. I wish that I had taken a year off and got a job somewhere doing something ministry related and just dealing with people. I've been doing school for the past 16 years and I'm wondering if it might be time for a break. There are so many people here that took time between college and seminary and went abroad or worked for non-profits. They have life experience that they can relate to what they're learning and I don't have that.

My Role Model

In the summer of 1996 I began attending a summer day camp called the Summer Meals Program. It was at this tiny little Not-catholic church in my neighborhood, Fourth Presbyterian Church. Prior to coming to this camp I didn’t really ever do church, it was something that simply wasn’t in my family’s life (I still believe it had something to do with the Boston priest sex scandals, but I digress). I came home from camp and told my Dad about everything that happens at camp and I told him about Pastor Burns. My Dad informed that I could not call a pastor by his first name. You’re supposed to call them “pastor so-and-so”, to which I promptly responded, “No, his name is Pastor Burns. That is what everyone calls him.” By the end of the summer, I got my father to come to church on a Sunday and he got to see all that I was talking about. He got to meet this amazing Pastor I was talking about.

My dad and I came back week after week and he eventually joined the church. We fell in love. Summer after Summer I went back to the Summer Meals Program. Someone once joked that I was the poster child for Fourth. I started coming through the SMP, which was set up so that kids from low income neighborhoods would have breakfast and lunch during the summer. One summer, a new program was started, an extended day program called Mazemakers and I was the first one there. I went from being a camper to a teen helper and then a Shepherd (counselor). I was in countless plays, took piano lessons, guitar lessons, painting classes, and was a part of the homework help program and an active member of the youth group. Anything that was offered, I participated. Church was the first place I felt at home and it was my safety net.

When I was in 8^th and 9^th grade my life was pretty much in shambles. I had returned to Massachusetts the day before school started, having fled to Ohio for the summer to live with my aunt’s family after my mom left, and I had nowhere to live. Pastor Burns (who had evolved into simply Burns) and his family welcomed me into their home and I stayed there for months. The following year was difficult because of an intervention and my Dad subsequently going to rehab. Burns, his family, and my church family were there for me every step of the way.

Fourth Presbyterian Church is an amazing church. It is a medium sized church (of a little over 100 members) from all kinds of backgrounds. The members represent many different cultures and age groups. It is located in a low income neighborhood (with a lot of unfortunate problems like violence).The church is actively involved in all kinds of social justice work. This is the kind of church I want to work in when I’m done with seminary. Burns was one of the huge reasons why I decided to go to Seminary in the first place. After spending years of watching how he changed and grew the church and how he led them is a great inspiration. Burns is an amazing Pastor, Leader and Teacher. He recently celebrated twenty years of Pastoring Fourth and has touched so many lives over those twenty years.

It Makes My Heart Happy

Tuesday Afternoon I was sitting in my New Testament Epistles class. The final class of my undergraduate experience. This has been a difficult experience for me this semester, not because the work was too difficult but because my beliefs are so vastly different than the beliefs of my classmates and this class really brought that to the surface. In this class I preached a sermon on the role of women in the church. I preached the sermon as woman who hopes to be ordained some day. Many of my classmates come from backgrounds where women are not meant to speak in church, women are meant to teach the little kids and that is it. I also wrote my thesis on homosexuality in the bible, and not from the “condemning Gays to hell” perspective that my classmates support. Rather, I wrote it from a open and accepting viewpoint and presented it as such to the class. So Tuesday when someone was presenting their paper on “Sexual Immorality: fornication and homosexuality” everyone in the class turned and stared at me.

Tuesday afternoon, people were glaring at me and making snide comments because the only conclusion they can draw is that if I support gay rights and do not condemn homosexuality I must therefore be gay and practice sexual immorality. Truly, I do not care. The looks and the comments are no skin off my back. I know who I am and what I believe. Tuesday night, in the Presbytery of the Twin Cities, the votes were cast and tallied and Amendment 10A passed. This Amendment, which I have written about previously, will change the wording of a section of the book of order (The Constitution of the PCUSA- for all you known presbys)to allow those who are not in a committed relationship consisting of a man and a woman to be ordained into official positions of the church.

It should not come as news to any that follow this blog that I rejoice in the passing of this amendment. I did not wish to be in a church that would exclude so many devoted Christians simply because of who they love. Many have threatened to leave the church and to those who do, I wish them all the best. I hope that they find a new church home that is more in line with their theological standing, but please do remember that you are leaving by your own free-will, no one is forcing you to leave. To those that have been standing on the sidelines, the PCUSA is open to you. We will accept you and the one you love.

Someday I hope to be ordained as a Minister of the Word and Sacrament within the Presbyterian Church (USA), and it makes my heart happy to know that one day I will have the opportunity to serve alongside my fellow Christian brothers and sisters regardless of their sexual identity.

Paying for Seminary

I have been so busy lately that I have been forgetting to do a lot of things...and one of those things is blog.

Money sucks! I wish we lived in a world where everything wasn't so dependent on money. David and I have had this conversation numerous times. He agrees, the fact that our society seems to revolve around money is depressing. My brother and I got into a fight the other night. Well, by fight I mean he informed me that I am wasting my life and that I'll never make money and will therefore get divorced, and I tried to defend myself. My family does not understand the desire to be a Pastor. No matter how many times I attempt to explain it, it never sinks in. My brother apparently looked at some list of professions and the amount of money they make and ministry was at the bottom of the list. Try as I might, my brother will never understand that it is not about the money. He also read that 80% of divorces are over money. So if I follow his logic: I'll become a pastor, I won't make any money, I'll be poor, and then I will get divorced because I have no money. Sigh!

I suppose what is making me write this post is the idea of paying for Seminary. I got my award letter for this year and it depressed me. With the PTS grant and Federal Work Study, I have been awarded $13,250. That's great, but when I use the cost calculator, it's not so great. Tuition+fees+dorm+15 meal plan+books=$20,880. $20,880-$13,250=$7,630. Considering I am financially independent (I don't have anyone helping me pay for school), and already have a lot of loans from my undergraduate years, that is incredibly daunting and depressing. Considering part of what my brother said is right, ministry does not make a whole lot of money, the idea of taking more loans on is frustrating.

So right now, I am wading my way through the Internet trying to find ANY grants and scholarships that I qualify for and applying to them. I'm already in a stressing and depressed mood due to the amount of work I have to do and this new factoid is not helping at all!

NEED WORK!

For mot of the country summer does not really start until July. Children in grades K-11 do not get out of school until the end of June (at least up here in the North East), and those graduating from High School get out at the very end of May or the very beginning on June. Because of this many jobs, like those at summer camps, do not start until the very end of June or very beginning of July. What are college students to do when they get out of school at the beginning or middle of May?

In the past it has not been that difficult for me. I get out of school in May and then work on campus and off campus driving from the house to work and back everyday. This year is different. This year I am graduating from college. After May 15th I can no longer work on campus. That eliminates that income. And this year I have one week from the day I graduate to find a new place to live. So as of May 22, I have one part time job but nowhere to live. I have been searching all over the internet for a solution to my problem. There's a recent development but I am not sure if it is positive or negative. As everyone is well aware I have been accepted to Princeton Theological Seminary for the fall. Princeton has a Summer Language Program where I can take Greek or Hebrew during the summer and just focus on the language. This starts July 11th.

So From May 22-July11 I have to find a place to live and a job to do. Really I can work from May 16-July 11. That's 56 days. I have searched and searched and have yet to find some thing that provides money and a place to stay. I do not need to earn much. Just enough to pay for my car and cell phone...and maybe some books for when I start at Princeton. I'm willing to do almost anything. I would love to find something ministry related but I'm open to anything at this point.

Many Firsts

1/3/11 12:01 AM

This trip is a series of many firsts. My first trip to Africa, my first time leaving north America, my first transcontinental flight, first time eating many different foods (like kola nut, palm wine, bush meat, etc.) first time at a traditional dance and other cultural firsts. Today I had another first the was more of a career first. When we were leaving Bafut (which I will explain later) we stopped at the home of someone who was sick. It turns out that she is dying. They believe she has cancer but she has nor been taken to hospital. She is very near death. In Cameroon they view me as a pastor. They found out I plan to be a pastor and am studying religion so I am a sort of a junior pastor in ways. They've had me say grace (which I have done many times before so I am used to it), bless a home (I don't really know what to do so I prayed for the family, and now pray over a dying woman. I have never done that before and internally I was FREAKING OUT!!!!!!!! What if she dies soon after? What if this is the last prayer she hears? What if I mess it up? Can I do this? Am I qualified for this? So many questions were going through my head, but I was put on the spot and the woman, her friends and her grandson were waiting for me to pray over her so I prayed. I told Cindy about it when I got back to Bamenda and she was proud of me. I'm still not sure what to think.

This morning we attended church and it was very interesting. There was the baptism of three children, the presentation of new babies, and the blessing of marriages. These aren't done in our tradition so it was great to watch. Shelby, David and I were brought into the Sunday school class. It is huge! Hundreds of kids! They sang to us and applauded when we entered the room. Faith saw me and ran up to us. She sat on my lap/leaned against my legs while we were there. Shelby was jealous of my special friend. Once the service ended everyone wanted to have their picture taken with us. I felt like a tourist attraction. I have never had my picture taken so many times in my life.

Once we left the church, we went to the home of the family that had the baptized children. They feed us (of course) and Clara, Shelby's host, had me try something new. It was fermented casaba wrapped in banana leaves. It was an interesting gelatinous texture.

When our group left the party, smells said we would head to her village in Bafut. First we drove to the market and bought a bag of salt. The market was interesting and very busy. Crossing the street was dangerous. The people here are so intrigued by the color of my skin. A boy was starring at me and tripped. We went to the home of emelia's junior brother. There I was fed again and had palm wine. I tried a sip of it in Nkikoh. This kind is different. This was the knock you on your ass variety. When we first arrived, the women danced around me and embraced me. It was confusing but cool. While there I saw communism at it's most pure form. The bag of salt we brought was placed with palm oil. After the meal the salt was dumped into a bucket and the palm oil poured into a bowl. Then they are both evenly distributed throughout all of the family. They ring what they have and take what they need. It was awesome to watch. They presented me with a broom made of palms. Hopefully customs won't take it away.

Tonight we had dinner at grace's house. Shelby and I basically stalked Ryan, trying to take millions of pictures. Ryan's mom and dad are members of our church but Ryan is living here in Bamenda with his grandmother, Grace. Caroline and George asked us to take pictures of him because they miss him. After spending time there Emelia and I came back to her house. Erica and I talked more about the difference between Cameroon and USA. Specifically we talked about products like shampoo, nair, and razors. I took my shower and attempted to bathe the dust off and then finished off the night with conversation with Erica and watching music videos with her.

Tomorrow morning, at 5:30 AM, Emelia is taking me to a prayer service. Hopefully I will stay awake. Shelby is going to the local school where he host teaches, in a bit jealous. At 12:30 we switch to our second hosts. We are also once again the personal guests of Fru Ndi. We were trying to figure out who he would be equal to in USA and we think someone like Martin Luther king Jr or maybe Malcolm X.Tomorrow should be yet another series of adventures.

just to recap

WoW! I haven't posted anything in 21 days. Opps :( I'm sorry. There's been so much going on. Last we talked it was about TOMs shoes.

So The Toms event happened and there was about 30 people who went barefoot to raise awarness for those around the world without shoes. We got coverage in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette as well as in the Clinton Item. A bunch of people donated shoes which will be sent off to Haiti. All in all I think it was pretty successful.

I kept meaning to log on and post some stuff as things have been happening, but alas I just get busy and forget.

Let's see what else has happened?

• I was elected Secretary of the Student Ministerial Association for the 2010-2011 school year. Kayleigh was elected head of public relations so it should be a good year in that respect. Our President is Willis Byas and that people is going to do great things for God.
• At the awards and honors chapel I was given a $1000 scholarship so that's pretty cool. Yay free money! Now I need to remember to write the thank you.
• I went to Atlanta to cheer on Gael Force, Team 126, at the Championships of FIRST Robotics. It was pretty awesome. Kate and I helped Shelby with Strategy, ehich I enjoyed. While the team didn't win it was a great weekend.
• While I was in Atlanta, I checked out Columbia Semianry. I don't think it is the seminary for me, but it was an interesting experience. Every time I have gone to visit a Seminary it was one of the ones in the Boston area and it was just to hang out with people or attend an event. This time it was me as a prespective studnet and it is a whole differnet feeling.

Right now I am in the middle of the hectic part of the semester. It's time for FINALS. The only one that I am really stressing over is Statistics. A) I am not good at math. B) His teaching style nad my learning style to not line up C) all of the homework is on the internet and I can't sit in front of a computer screen for 5 hours straight doing an assignment. D)I have spent over 5 hours on one assignment and I am still not done with this assignment. This class is seriously hurting me and I am afraid of how it will affect my GPA and therfore affect my chances of getting into the Seminary I want to get into.

Graduation is in a week and that is bumming me out. Last year I didn't really care about the seniors graduating. It's not that I didn't know them it's that I wasn't as close to them as I am to a number of this year's graduating seniors. :'(