Friday, December 24, 2010

I am sick of this stupid holiday! I am sick of the commercialism!! I am sick of presents! I am sick of Walmart! I am sick of the countdowns! I am sick of all of the annoying emails about over night shipping! I am Sick of the fat white guy! I am sick of elves! I want to become a jehovah's witness this year. They don't deal with the stupid presents and the celebrations. Can't we just have church and a meal together? Why does it focus around the gifts?
Perhaps it's that all the gift giving reminds me of how poor I am. Tomorrow when you open the crappy present I got you maybe you'll understand why I've been down lately. The homemade presents and the crappy cheap presents. They suck! I'm sorry.
I leave for Africa in 3 days and I have no money to spend in the country. I'm supposed to start taking malaria mess tomorrow. Looks like that won't be happening because I don't have the $100 they cost. I don't know what to do. My bank account is at -$180 right now.
This year I want to skip christmas. I want to skip the presents and the commercialism. The constant reminder of my empty bank account hurt. I want to keep the Christ in Christmas this year. Yeah it's for selfish reasons. Yeah I'm a jerk. It's okay I'll get malaria soon.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Bah humbug

I love Christmas.
I love the lights. I love the songs. I love the spirit. I love the Church services.
I love Christmas.

I know that Christmas is supposed to be all about Jesus. We are celebrating the Birth of Jesus (though it may or may not be during the right season, but that's a debate for a different time). During Christmas we are supposed to celebrate the birth of our Savior. The commercialism has made me not like Christmas anymore.

Commercialism sucks to begin with. Hallmark and all of the malls and superstores own Christmas. It has gotten to the point where they are setting up their displays in AUGUST!!!!! It's just wrong. Christmas should not be all about the presents and the spending of money. I hate it this year more than ever. This has been my poorest year ever. My bank account is nill and things keep coming up that take away the very little money I did have.

When you are having a hard time getting presents for all the people on your list to begin with, the uber commercialism makes you feel like shit. Can't afford the new thing this year, cant afford presents for everyone, cant afford what you think people really deserve.

Christmas is in 3 days. I've bought 2 presents. After work today I have to brave the crowds and try to go shopping with the little money I have. Too bad nowhere in the area sells myrrh.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Who I Am

The last time I had a conversation with my mother, face-to-face, was my father's funeral in January of 2008. It's been nearly three years. Prior to that, the last time I had had a conversation with her, face-to-face, was when I was 12. 10 years ago. Recently we've been talking on facebook, via facebook chat and inbox messages. I think we are working on reestablishing some sort of semblance of a relationship. Something I realized recently was the fact that she has no idea who I am. Yes, she knows some things about me, name, age, all that trivial stuff and the things she's been able to see on facebook. However, I really do not think she knows anything deeper than that. If we are going to have any kind of relationship she needs to know who I am. That is the reason for this blog I can inform my mother of who I am, and by default anyone else who happens to read this. Some of the stuff in this post are obvious but hey I need to get it all out! here goes:

  • My Name is Devin Elizabeth Berry.
  • I am 22 years old. Birthday: November 24, 1988.
  • During breaks I live in Clinton, Massachusetts with My boyfriend's amazing family.
  • I am a senior at Atlantic Union College. With the Grace of God I will be graduating in May.
  • I'm a religion major. (This has been really hard for me to be a female studying religion in a denomination [Seventh-Day Adventist] That is not too keen on women in ministry)
  • I am not positive about what I want to do when I'm done with my education.
  • Hopefully in September I will be at a Seminary working on my Master's of Divinity.
  • I am passionate about Social Justice, Ecumenical relations, the Global South, and helping others. I want to find some venue to incorporate all of these things.
  • I want to travel the world. (One of my goals in life is to visit six out of the seven continents...who cares about Antarctica, it's too cold)
  • I have been dating the same guy (DAVID) for the past three years and he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
  • I like all forms of music! (well, except polka). When I put my music on shuffle you can expect acapella, acoustic rock, alternative, blues, contemporary christian, Celtic ballads, Celtic punk, christian (metal, rock, hymns, praise rap, pop, punk), Christmas, classic rock, classical, comedy, country, dance, easy listening, electronic, Gospel, Gothic rock, hard rock, hip-hop, house, indie, metal, musicals, pop, Latin, pop-punk, pop, punk, post-grunge, r&b, soul, rap, rock&roll, show tunes, soundtracks, techno, top 40, and world. Like I said, I like everything.
  • I love to Kayak. I have been done the Merrimack River, the Allagash River, the Connecticut River, and the Deerborn.
  • There was one day that served to be one of the best and one of the worst days of my life: David and I went to URI to see Evanescence in concert. While waiting in line I received the phone call that Dad had cancer and it wasn't good. It was one of the worst nights obviously, because of that phone call but It was the first concert David and I had been to together and the music was amazing.
  • I avoid confrontation at all costs. I will keep things bottled up for a long time. People say it is unhealthy, but I would rather keep it bottled up than get into a fight with someone
  • I use silence as a coping mechanism. When things get too tough, I get silent. If you aren't saying things you can't say the wrong thing. My life has been filled with someone yelling and screaming and fighting that I refuse to be a part of it.
  • Music is my therapy. A day that does not have music in it is a rare day. I use music to soothe me, I use music to calm me down, I use music when I'm angry. I let the music talk for me.
  • When I was in the tenth grade I got diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. The response by the neurologist was basically "how have you lived this long without meds?" I spent 10th-12th grade on a very interesting cocktail of ADHD drugs.
  • I have the memory of a goldfish, or less. The only memories I have of my early life are ones that I have told to people over and over and over. I remember that I got hit in the eye and a dog bit me in the same weekend. I only remember this because there are pictures and I have been told this. I remember almost nothing from elementary school, middle school, high school or the beginning of college. I've reached the point where it worries me, but I am afraid to find out why I can't remember anything.
  • I have a tattoo of a starfish on my left shoulder. It represents my Daddy. Once I have money that I can spend, I plan to get either a Celtic cross with a rose wrapped around it (to represent my Dad and my grandmother), an autism puzzle piece or the Presbyterian Cross.
  • I spend one week during the summer working at a camp for mentally challenged adults. This is something that I could see being a large part of my life. I absolutely love our campers. Working with adults with autism, brain damage, down syndrome, spina bifida and other conditions is an amazing experience.
  • I am claustrophobic
  • Diet Coke is the only beverage worth drinking.
  • I have abandonment issues
  • I am allergic to the enzymes that are used in the pasteurization process of dairy.
  • I hate the taste of beer.
  • I am addicted to Harry Potter fanfiction (people take the characters from the Harry Potter books and put them into new situation and have new relationships develop)
  • I have the worst car luck. Whether its a part that needs to be fixed, something breaking, or my insurance getting screwed will happen to me.
  • I enjoy getting dressed up for special occasions...putting on a dress and getting all pretty.
  • I'm a total geek. I enjoy Star Trek, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, playing Dungeons and Dragons, and other geeky things.
  • I'm a huge Boston Bruins fan, but have never been to a game.
  • I love chick flicks and romantic comedies.
  • I love ethnic foods. Thai, Indian, Vietnamese, Middle's all yummy!
  • I am perpetually cold.
  • At one point I wanted to be a Crime Scene Investigator but the amount of Chemistry involved stopped me.
  • I love NCIS:LA, HAWAII: 5-0 and CSI: Las Vegas.
  • Often I feel like the black sheep, like I don't belong in my family.
  • I love cooking and baking!
  • I like to experiment in the kitchen. Curry+enchilada sauce+chicken=Filipino Chicken? Olive oil in sugar cookies dipped in White chocolate. I don't like to follow recipes.
  • If a movie was made about my life I want Mike Rowe (from Dirty jobs) to narrate.
  • I want to learn at least 2 languages.
  • My true friends mean the world to me.

These are all things about who I am, what I like and what I want to do with my life.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

mea culpa

I feel like I have been saying sorry a lot lately. The thing is most of the time, I am simply doing it to appease people. I am not actually sorry. I am sorry for the long break in between posts. That I really am sorry for. I mean to blog more often but stupid life and stupid drama take up way too much of my time.
Apparently I have changed. Someone told me today that "the usual you wouldn't have done that". That got me to thinking...The usual me? Who is the usual me? How can someone tell me what the usual me is? Shouldn't I know the usual me more than anyone? And besides all that, change is good.
The fall semester of my senior year of college just ended. One semester left until I am no longer a college student. One semester left until I have finished my 4 year sentence. one semester until I am hopefully becoming a seminarian. Reflecting on the fact that I have one semester left freaks me out. I really need to buckle down! No more playing around, no more procrastination. It's all about hitting the books next semester.
I have decided that there are certain changes in my life I need to make. No longer can I jerk around and then do everything at the last second. (Yes, I know this will take a LOT of work, but I'm going to start). I am also extraordinarily sick of drama. I am sick of being dragged into the drama of people's lives. I am sick of being surrounded by toxic relationships. My own relationship is perfectly amazing and I have hardly any drama in my own life so I am official done with other people's drama rubbing off on me. Enough!
I am also surrounding myself with more people, but at the same time engaging in hermitism. I have expanded my circle of friends and have begun hanging out with people I have not hung out with in a very long time. I am surrounding myself with all types of people and I enjoy it. At the same time I value alone time. Part of me wishes I were a hermit. Therefore I will create an equal balance of socialising and being by myself. I get stuff done when I have alone time. So next semester I will randomly escape to my dorm room and hide there for a night or for a weekend. I get too overwhelmed when I am surrounded by people 24/7. If I randomly disappear do not get angry, but get used to it.