On the First Day of Systematic Theology

The clicking of keys

The scrapping of pen on paper

The turning of notebook pages

The rustling of fabric

The shadow of the professor’s head on the projector screen

These are a handful of things gaining my attention

There are six stage lights, three bald heads, two hats, one head wrap

Like bouncing up and down

The professor makes wild gesticulations, which I see, understand, but do not truly comprehend

 I have spent the last ten minutes wondering how a stain got onto the ceiling

Today I need to: phone interview, appointment with the shrink, and,

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity This is Going to be a Tough Semester Disorder

Resolutions I Can Stick To!

Year after year people decide upon their New Year resolution. But how many people actually stick to their resolutions? There are those that decide that they will lose 50 pounds, but by the second week of January, how many people throw that out the window, when the chocolate cake because just too appealing? I have known many people with the resolution to quit smoking...but once they become stressed, well one cigarette doesn't count. 

I usually neglect to make New Year resolutions because I know myself and I know I will forget to stick to them. This year, however, I have decided that I will make some. My resolutions will be realistic ones and ones that I believe I can actually keep. 

• Become more organized- I've purchased a planner and written down all of the events for the year that I already know about. I've enlisted the help of a friend who is a fantastic organizer. A huge factor of my current disorganization is my Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) so I'm headed off to a counselor to talk about that and figure out new coping mechanisms. 
• Become more financially responsible- I've altered my schedule to increase the number of hours I am working and I am being more conscious about my purchases and the way in which I spend my money. The biggest part has to do with organization and being aware of how much I have in my bank account (which means I will need to write down all of my transactions).
• Develop my prayer life- When I sat down with my CPM (Committee on Preparation for Ministry) this was something I decided that I need to work towards, but since then I haven't really made any progress. I'm searching for a devotional that captures my attention and one that I will stick with. Any suggestions will be appreciated.
• Become healthier- Like so many other people there is the underlying desire to lose weight. I would love to have the pounds just melt away, but more than anything else it is simply a desire to feel healthier. So that will include eating healthier (tonight it was spinach salad instead of the mashed potatoes and deep fried chicken patty), increased physical exercise (not necessarily hitting the gym hard but other things as well, today it was a walk around the graduate college's campus and the Institute for Advanced Study), and simply making smarter health decisions. 
• Sleep- I get a lot of it. I don't get sleep at the appropriate times. I need to move away from the going to bed at 3 AM and catching up on sleep on the weekends and move towards the getting 8 hours of sleep, even if that involves social sacrifices. Appropriate sleep schedules need to be a priority. 

5 resolutions. All of them are things that I will have to be conscious about. Some will be easier than others. Some will require a lot of help from other people. Some I simply need to make a priority in my life. Many of them will require sacrifice. I think I can do it. I think they will help to make me a better person physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally, in all the ways that matter. 

Words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated as I try to stick to these. 

Greek and Blood Work

Greek is kicking my hindquarters! Vocabulary I can handle and I am not that bad at translating, but produces the paradigms is painful. It just does not make any kind of sense. I have to get through it because I have to pass this class but I am feeling so very negative about it. I decided to do summer Greek because I thought that I wouldn't have other things distracting me and I could focus solely on that. How wrong I was.

I have been at PTS for just under three weeks and it has been rough. Getting used to the area isn't all that bad, I have no problems with getting lost, it's like an adventure. I'm meeting amazing people and making friends. The problem, I suppose is within me. I've spent the past three weeks getting sick everyday. Whenever I eat, not too long afterwards, I have to scamper off to the restroom. It's especially annoying because I'm trying to be social and make friends etc and this keeps happening. I stopped going to breakfast, because at least that way I don't have to leave Greek precept for it.

I went to the Doctor on Thursday and told her about what was going on. She ordered some bloodwork to be done and gave me a prescription for antibiotics. However, yesterday their tech person called and told me that nothing showed why I am getting sick everyday but did show problems with my thyroid. I have to go back in on Monday and see what's going on. I decided to do some googling to see what he was talking about. If my thyroid levels are high, which is what he said, a possible cause could be hyperthyroidism. So looking at the symptoms, it sort of makes sense. Let's take a look at some Symptoms:

• I feel like I have a lot of nervous energy to burn off- I attributed this to ADHD.
• reference to getting sick (actual wording is TMI)- one reason I went to DR
• Difficulty getting to sleep and staying asleep- attributed it to being in a new place
• feeling fatigued/exhausted- attributed this to previous symptom.
• my hair is course/dry/brittle/breaking/falling out
• lady issues (sorry TMI)
• moods change easily
• feeling of worthlessness
• difficult concentrating- I attributed this to ADHD 
• more forgetful lately
• feeling restless/anxious

That's just a few symptoms on the list and it seems to fit. I'm nervous about going back to the Doctor. I've never had real big issues before. I have ADHD and I've broken things and had concussions but not like long term medical problem that required going to the doctor regularly. Also it requires blood work which I am not good with. I have really bad veins apparently so having blood drawn is painful. On Thursday they left a big bruise where blood was drawn, in the past I've had it taken from the back of my hand and from between my knuckles. Not a pleasant experience for anyone. Last night I've noticed I've got a few other random bruises that I don't remember getting, but now I am turning into a hypochondriac. 

My brain is a scary place

I'm not sure if I mentioned this when I first started blogging but I have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was in the tenth grade. You see, when I was younger my teachers suggested that there was something wrong but my parents never had me tested. So my teachers, not knowing quite what to do with me, would have me sit in the corner with a book. I wasn't the ADHD kid that would run around, but rather the one who needed something to do. I would finish my work so fast and if left idle I would run around and be crazy, but if they kept giving me stuff to do I was alright. When my sister brought me to the neurologist he asked me how I managed to live life thus far. He was amazed that no one had put me on drugs before. I spent 10th-12th grade on an amazing cocktail of narcotics. At different points I was on concerta, Aderall, Ritalin and Strattera. They all had their own very interesting side effects. Straterra was a special drug in particular because it gave me narcolepsy.
When I went off to college I decided that I was going to stop taking meds. I decided that I didn't want to be dependent on narcotics...even if they were prescribed and even if they helped me. Over the past three and a half years I have reconsidered many many times. I am currently at the point where I want to go back on Aderall. That was the drug that helped the best. I was actually able to concentrate when I was taking that.
Right now I can feel it when I lose concentration. Literally, it's as if I can feel the chemicals in my brain change. Some one asked me what it feels like and it's very hard to describe. I suppose the best way to describe it would almost be like having something crawl on your skin except it is in my brain. That sounds really wrong but I think it is the only way to even come close to putting the feeling into words. Describing the symptoms is easy (the racing thoughts, the many different unrelated thoughts, the desperate need to do something, the need to move physically), but describing how I think it feels when the chemicals change is something I do not even understand myself.
The point of saying that I have ADHD was to apply it to my blog. You may have noticed that my posts jump around a lot and that I change my mind a lot. For instance, the last post I had was about the possibility of doing an M.Div and law. I'm not sure that's the route I want to go down now. It was only a few days ago and yet I've changed my mind. One of the symptoms of ADHD is a lack of impulse control. I make decisions quickly and then they change. one day I'm deciding that law is the route I want to go down and then the next day it's changed completely. I'm not a fan.
I suppose this is all to say that I am impulsive. My blog posts will contradict themselves. I will make up my mind only to change it later. The odd thing is I can normally control it when it applies to other people. When I have to make a decision that involves other people and has an impact on other people I can think things through and come to a proper decision and stick with it, but when it comes to my own life that is unheardof.  If you cannot deal with my crazy unpatterned and unorganized thoughts I would stop reading now. Things might get better when I go back on meds or when I finally get into a seminary (the biggest life decison will not be looming over me at that point). I would love for you to stick around, but honestly I understnad. heck i don't even want to be stuck in my head with my thoughts most of the time.