Existential Crisis

Admittedly, the title of this post is a tad dramatic. However, some days I feel that it is entirely accurate. Seminary ahs led me to have regular existential crises.

Seminary has been a great experience thus fat. I have completed a little over a year and a half of a three-year program. I am more than half done. I have had ups and downs. I have failed and I have succeeded. I have had numerous health problems and have made great friends.

But one thing seminary has truly done is to make me question everything. I have never really questioned that there is a God but I have questioned so many other things. When I came to seminary, I thought I would be leaving ordained and ready to lead a small congregation. I know now that this is not the case. I no longer have an interest in pastoring a church or in being ordained.

I have been a member of the Presbyterian Church (USA) since elementary school. I have been ordained as a deacon and as a ruling elder. I am currently an inquirer of the ordination track. But my classes and my experiences make me question whether or not this is the right denomination for me. For one thing, all of my Presbyterian comrades seem to love love love Karl Barth. I have not read much Barth and I have no interest in reading any more of his work. My Presbyterian friends and professors LOVE John Calvin. I cannot stand John Calvin! My hatred for him and his work began when a professor said to me, “If a baby gets a brain tumor and dies, John Calvin says that it is God’s will!” I that that that is messed up and that does NOT sound like the God I believe in! I do not really fall in line with predestination and the total depravity.

I believe in pacifism. I believe in a God who lets us make out own mistakes but is there to save us. I believe in unending grace. I believe that awful things happen but not that those awful things are God’s will. I believe in free will. I believe in a God who acceptance and loving embraces.

II do not know where I belong. Maybe the PUSA is the right lace for me, but maybe it is not. Is it possible to live within a denomination while totally excluding the works of the theologians that they build their beliefs off of?

Seminary Criteria

I was just think that this probably should have been my first blog post as I was contemplating seminary. That may have helped with all of the indecisiveness. I think a question I never truly asked myself was "What am I looking for in a Seminary?" I have visited schools and decided  that is or that wasn't what I am looking for, and I have talked to people from different schools and thought, "well that interests me". however I never came up with a list of exactly what I am looking for in a seminary/divinity school/ school of theology etc.

Things I want:

• Racial/ethnic diversity- I don't want the campus to be a sea of white faces. I've visited some schools where it seemed the student body was primarily white and that is very foreign to me.
• Multiple faith groups- I do not care what the denominational affiliation of the school is. I want there to be many different denominations represented in the students and staff.
• Non-christian students- Having Jewish and Muslim students adds to the learneing experience. one of my interests is interfaith dialogue and in order to make this better you need other faiths.
• A commitment to social justice- classes that are focused on our role as Christians within our world, a focus in classes, in spirital life and in social life on hunger, LGBTQ issues, economic exploitation, etc.
• A concern for the environment- I like the environment...my current school doesn't. I want a school that cares about recycling and preserving our planet and our roles as stewards of God's creation.
• Classes in topics that interest me- classes on feminist theology, war studies, interreligious dialogue, polity, sex, the theology in other cultures, liberation theology, LGBTQ issues within the church
• Welcoming churches in the area- They don't have to be PCUSA (though that is prefered), but I need a church that I can go to for three years where I can feel comfortable and feel at home.
• Reformed theology- I need a school where the beliefs align somewhat with my own. I'm think catholicism and Adventism are out, sorry guys!
• Active campus life (clubs, events etc)- I want to attend clubs. I haven't had a real chance to in my undergraduate career. clubs on LGBTQ issues, denominational, for things I care about. I want to attend events hosted by faculty, and different clubs. plays, preformances, things that give you the real seminary/ a graduate school experience.
• A city- I grew up in the city and as much as I love the rural life I still love the city. Seminary in the city makes it easier to get around, easier to attend events, easier to interact with people.
• Easy to get around the neighboring places- this really means I a place with public transportation. Yes, I have a car but I hate to drive. If I want to go out to a movie or to grab a bite to eat I don't want to have to drive all the time.
• On-campus housing- It's preferable, but not absolutely necessary
• Faculty and students interacting- I want to learn from faculty that actually know who I am. I do not want to be just a number to them. I want them to know my name and where I come form and I want to know the same about them.

I guess this is a rough list of what I am looking for in a semiary. Even with just this list I feel that my search is more focused. I do wish that there was a collegeboard type search engine for seminaries. Just put in the info I care about and it pops up with which semianries to look at. But now that I have this list of what I care about maybe my decision making will become easier?

My brain is a scary place

I'm not sure if I mentioned this when I first started blogging but I have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was in the tenth grade. You see, when I was younger my teachers suggested that there was something wrong but my parents never had me tested. So my teachers, not knowing quite what to do with me, would have me sit in the corner with a book. I wasn't the ADHD kid that would run around, but rather the one who needed something to do. I would finish my work so fast and if left idle I would run around and be crazy, but if they kept giving me stuff to do I was alright. When my sister brought me to the neurologist he asked me how I managed to live life thus far. He was amazed that no one had put me on drugs before. I spent 10th-12th grade on an amazing cocktail of narcotics. At different points I was on concerta, Aderall, Ritalin and Strattera. They all had their own very interesting side effects. Straterra was a special drug in particular because it gave me narcolepsy.
When I went off to college I decided that I was going to stop taking meds. I decided that I didn't want to be dependent on narcotics...even if they were prescribed and even if they helped me. Over the past three and a half years I have reconsidered many many times. I am currently at the point where I want to go back on Aderall. That was the drug that helped the best. I was actually able to concentrate when I was taking that.
Right now I can feel it when I lose concentration. Literally, it's as if I can feel the chemicals in my brain change. Some one asked me what it feels like and it's very hard to describe. I suppose the best way to describe it would almost be like having something crawl on your skin except it is in my brain. That sounds really wrong but I think it is the only way to even come close to putting the feeling into words. Describing the symptoms is easy (the racing thoughts, the many different unrelated thoughts, the desperate need to do something, the need to move physically), but describing how I think it feels when the chemicals change is something I do not even understand myself.
The point of saying that I have ADHD was to apply it to my blog. You may have noticed that my posts jump around a lot and that I change my mind a lot. For instance, the last post I had was about the possibility of doing an M.Div and law. I'm not sure that's the route I want to go down now. It was only a few days ago and yet I've changed my mind. One of the symptoms of ADHD is a lack of impulse control. I make decisions quickly and then they change. one day I'm deciding that law is the route I want to go down and then the next day it's changed completely. I'm not a fan.
I suppose this is all to say that I am impulsive. My blog posts will contradict themselves. I will make up my mind only to change it later. The odd thing is I can normally control it when it applies to other people. When I have to make a decision that involves other people and has an impact on other people I can think things through and come to a proper decision and stick with it, but when it comes to my own life that is unheardof.  If you cannot deal with my crazy unpatterned and unorganized thoughts I would stop reading now. Things might get better when I go back on meds or when I finally get into a seminary (the biggest life decison will not be looming over me at that point). I would love for you to stick around, but honestly I understnad. heck i don't even want to be stuck in my head with my thoughts most of the time.

decisions, decisions, decisions

Oy!

So I just got off the phone with Liberty University working things out.
These are the things I know

Liberty University (Online)

I wouldn't have to pay anything up front -Pro

In fact I would get a refund back after loans are processed -pro

I would be able to take a full course load -pro

It would be like a third of the cost of auc. -pro

I wouldnt be enrolled at AUC (so no yearbook etc) -con

I can work a lot! -pro

Don't have to worry about missing classes to go visit perspective seminaries -pro

Have to make an effort to contact professors -con

save money- pro

paying rent -con

can take an intensive (weekend class) and see Ryan+Kayleigh+Mercy- pro

for AUC:

I was told that it would be a good idea to explain the situation to the VP of enrollment (apparently he can help).
He replied to my email and said that he would try to take a look at stuff on Monday

As of right now I still have to pay that $1100 by the 20th.

financial aid is playing stupid about a scholarship that I am supposed to recieve.

friends- pro

live in dorm- pro/con

yearbook, banquets, activities- pro

no dealing with drunk freshman/ screaming in the halls at 1 am/ girls next door singing (or strangling a cat) at 1 am -pro!

easier to explain one sem. applicaitons- pro

professor and staff fleeing like their asses are on fire- con

part of my aid is work study and with off-campus work + classses + other commitments I dont know when i'd find time- con

thoughts? Advice please!