Queer is me.

The word queer is a difficult term. For some, it is a painful word. One filled with hatred and homophobia. A pejorative term. For others it is an all-encompassing term to describe anyone in the sexuality alphabet soup. And still for others, it is there self-assigned term of identification. As one who is not a huge fan of labels and yet exists within a world where labels are the norm and are expected, this is the term that I choose to use to identify myself.

I do not believe in the gender binary. I believe that gender is fluid. A person should not be defined by their parts, but rather their hearts. Personally, it is a person’s heart or rather their personality that attracts me and not their genitalia, or the gendered characteristics. Those that are fans of labels might label me as being pansexual or omnisexual. In the past I have dated those that are cis-female and cis-male. I have been attracted to people in transition, people that are androgynous, and people that identify as genderfluid.

I am in a relationship with a cis-man. I will be marrying him next year. So if I am going to be in what looks like your run of the mill heterosexual marriage, why does my sexuality or sexual orientation matter? Sexuality is part of what makes us us. It is an important part of who we are. My sexuality and my involvement with the greater queer community is a huge part of who I am. I am done hiding this part of myself.

When I was fourteen years old I sat my father down and explained to him that I liked boys and girls. This was not taken well. I honestly believe this greatly attributed to the sudden rapid escalation of his alcoholism and thereby his admittance to a detox facility and continuous bouts in rehabs. At the time, the only people aware of my sexuality were myself, the girl I was with, and a friend. Perhaps it was my tomboyish nature or something else that gave it away, but a walked into school one day to find DYKE carved into my locker. Until the end of my time in college I did not tell another person that my interest was in more than just boys.

I am called to ministry. I have no doubts about it. However, my call does not lie within the white walls and stained glass of a church. My call is a bit messier than that. My call is to work with homeless LGBTQ youth. I do not know if my governing body will support my call. But it is a call that I cannot deny for any reason. As one who identifies as a member of the community, one who has dealt in many ways with rejection, as one who was abandoned, as one who was neglected, as one who has dealt with the family courts system, and as one who is now in a place where I can help others, and it a place where God is working in my life to help youth, I must.

Queer is a difficult word. It holds so many meanings for different people. But it is a term that I place upon myself. It is my term. It is the term for the kids I work with and hope to continue working with. Queer is me. 

Discernment

I'm beginning to think that the longer I am in seminary the more clear my sense of call is. I suppose that this makes total sense. When else have I been so tested mentally, academically, spiritually, emotionally and physically? I've taken classes and my year and a half here that have challenged me in so many ways. I wanted to give up and quit seminary more times than I can count. But I stuck with it. I've cried myself to sleep. I've cried myself through studying. But still I persevere.

And in all of this growth and reflection and personal discernment one of the big things that I have been working on, especially with discernment, is figuring out where I feel called vocational. One point, years ago, I thought I felt called to parish ministry. And though I appreciate those who do feel called, and though I do enjoy preaching every once in a while, I know that I am not called to Parish ministry. This semester I have been doing a field education placement with the presbytery of West Jersey. I am been learning about the hunger issues in New Jersey and traveling from church to church through out the Presbytery teaching congregations about hunger and encouraging them to get involved with different missions related to hunger. It is been very rewarding and I have learned that I definitely enjoying this more then parish ministry or church placements. I cannot see some sort of educational or advocacy work being a part of what I am called to do.

After graduation I am moving to Louisville, Kentucky for the year to join my then-husband as he finishes up his final year of seminary. Following his graduation we hope to move back to Massachusetts. In Boston and the surrounding area there is a plethora of different nonprofits that would be amazing to work with and to work for. In particular I think the human rights campaign is very appealing as is the Waltham house, a home through the home for a little wanderers organization, that caters to young LGBTQ homeless teens. There are so many nonprofits that focus on education and advocacy and civil rights that would be amazing to become a part of. I think that the fields of that holds the most interest to me is civil rights and LGBTQ issues. Especially homeless LGBTQ young adults. I don't really have any doubts that I would be able to find a career where I would be able to both earn money as well as feel like I'm making a difference.

So at this point the thing that I'm having the most difficulty discerning is whether or not to continue on the ordination process. Working for some sort of nonprofit organization would not require me to be ordained. The ordination process for the Presbyterian Church has proven to this far be very stressful and I'm only on the beginning stage. Additionally, it is a very expensive process. At this point is difficult for me to be okay with forcing myself to go through so much stress and financial strain when ordination is not required. Things to think about and pray about and talk about and discern.

BGLASS WEEK!

So, today is the start of Princeton Theological Seminary's BGLASS week. BGLASS (Bisexual, Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Seminarians) is a fabulous group here I have made most of my friends and actually feel welcomed and accepted for who I am. Something that was majorly lacking before I came here.


BGLASS be with you.
And also with you. 
We uplift our queers.
We lift them up to the Lord. 
It is right to support our queers and allies.

Seminary Criteria

I was just think that this probably should have been my first blog post as I was contemplating seminary. That may have helped with all of the indecisiveness. I think a question I never truly asked myself was "What am I looking for in a Seminary?" I have visited schools and decided  that is or that wasn't what I am looking for, and I have talked to people from different schools and thought, "well that interests me". however I never came up with a list of exactly what I am looking for in a seminary/divinity school/ school of theology etc.

Things I want:

• Racial/ethnic diversity- I don't want the campus to be a sea of white faces. I've visited some schools where it seemed the student body was primarily white and that is very foreign to me.
• Multiple faith groups- I do not care what the denominational affiliation of the school is. I want there to be many different denominations represented in the students and staff.
• Non-christian students- Having Jewish and Muslim students adds to the learneing experience. one of my interests is interfaith dialogue and in order to make this better you need other faiths.
• A commitment to social justice- classes that are focused on our role as Christians within our world, a focus in classes, in spirital life and in social life on hunger, LGBTQ issues, economic exploitation, etc.
• A concern for the environment- I like the environment...my current school doesn't. I want a school that cares about recycling and preserving our planet and our roles as stewards of God's creation.
• Classes in topics that interest me- classes on feminist theology, war studies, interreligious dialogue, polity, sex, the theology in other cultures, liberation theology, LGBTQ issues within the church
• Welcoming churches in the area- They don't have to be PCUSA (though that is prefered), but I need a church that I can go to for three years where I can feel comfortable and feel at home.
• Reformed theology- I need a school where the beliefs align somewhat with my own. I'm think catholicism and Adventism are out, sorry guys!
• Active campus life (clubs, events etc)- I want to attend clubs. I haven't had a real chance to in my undergraduate career. clubs on LGBTQ issues, denominational, for things I care about. I want to attend events hosted by faculty, and different clubs. plays, preformances, things that give you the real seminary/ a graduate school experience.
• A city- I grew up in the city and as much as I love the rural life I still love the city. Seminary in the city makes it easier to get around, easier to attend events, easier to interact with people.
• Easy to get around the neighboring places- this really means I a place with public transportation. Yes, I have a car but I hate to drive. If I want to go out to a movie or to grab a bite to eat I don't want to have to drive all the time.
• On-campus housing- It's preferable, but not absolutely necessary
• Faculty and students interacting- I want to learn from faculty that actually know who I am. I do not want to be just a number to them. I want them to know my name and where I come form and I want to know the same about them.

I guess this is a rough list of what I am looking for in a semiary. Even with just this list I feel that my search is more focused. I do wish that there was a collegeboard type search engine for seminaries. Just put in the info I care about and it pops up with which semianries to look at. But now that I have this list of what I care about maybe my decision making will become easier?