Existential Crisis

Admittedly, the title of this post is a tad dramatic. However, some days I feel that it is entirely accurate. Seminary ahs led me to have regular existential crises.

Seminary has been a great experience thus fat. I have completed a little over a year and a half of a three-year program. I am more than half done. I have had ups and downs. I have failed and I have succeeded. I have had numerous health problems and have made great friends.

But one thing seminary has truly done is to make me question everything. I have never really questioned that there is a God but I have questioned so many other things. When I came to seminary, I thought I would be leaving ordained and ready to lead a small congregation. I know now that this is not the case. I no longer have an interest in pastoring a church or in being ordained.

I have been a member of the Presbyterian Church (USA) since elementary school. I have been ordained as a deacon and as a ruling elder. I am currently an inquirer of the ordination track. But my classes and my experiences make me question whether or not this is the right denomination for me. For one thing, all of my Presbyterian comrades seem to love love love Karl Barth. I have not read much Barth and I have no interest in reading any more of his work. My Presbyterian friends and professors LOVE John Calvin. I cannot stand John Calvin! My hatred for him and his work began when a professor said to me, “If a baby gets a brain tumor and dies, John Calvin says that it is God’s will!” I that that that is messed up and that does NOT sound like the God I believe in! I do not really fall in line with predestination and the total depravity.

I believe in pacifism. I believe in a God who lets us make out own mistakes but is there to save us. I believe in unending grace. I believe that awful things happen but not that those awful things are God’s will. I believe in free will. I believe in a God who acceptance and loving embraces.

II do not know where I belong. Maybe the PUSA is the right lace for me, but maybe it is not. Is it possible to live within a denomination while totally excluding the works of the theologians that they build their beliefs off of?

Summer Reading

I plan to get a few mindless books in this summer: random chicklit and the like, but on top of that I have a list that was sent to me by the seminary that I'll be starting in on.

History

Comby, Jean, How to Read Church History, vol. 1, From the Beginnings to the Fifteenth Century (New York: Crossroad, 1985).


Theology

Bruyneel, Sally and Alan G. Padgett, Introducing Christianity (Maryknoll, N.Y.: Orbis, 2003).

Olson, Roger E., The Story of Christian Theology: Twenty Centuries of Tradition & Reform (Downers Grove, Ill.: InterVarsity, 1999).


Bible

Fee, Gordon, How to Read the Bible Book by Book: A Guided Tour (Grand Rapids, Mich: Zondervan, 2002)


Practical Theology

Paul Scott Wilson, The Four Pages of a Sermon: A Guide to Biblical Preaching. Nashville: Abingdon Press, 1999.
Clayborne Carson and Peter Holloran(eds.) A Knock at Midnight: Inspiration from the Great Sermons of Reverend Martin Luther King Jr. Grand Central Publishing, 2000.


General Suggestions

Elie Wiesel, Night. New York: Hill and Wang, c2006

D. Bonhoeffer’s Life Together. Minneapolis: Fortress 1996

Karl Barth Evangelical Theology: An Introduction. New York: Holt, Rinehart and Winston, 1963.

Date Night Conversation

This weekend I had the joy of attending yet another meeting where I was the youngest person in attendance. This time around, I was the youngest person by at least 35 years. When I first started attending Synod and Synod type meetings it bothered me that I was the only young person there. Now, however, it fuels me in a way. As the only young person in attendance I am the only voice for the "youth" of the church that they here.

The Moderator Elect of the Synod of the Northeast is in my Presbytery Partnership Group (PPG). She has some big changes in mind for the Synod Assemblies once she is installed in October. She was telling me about some of the changes she wants to make and I am a huge fan of all of them. I also voiced my opinions on some aspects of Synod and she listened to me. As I have voiced before, I often feel that the young adults of the church go overlooked. But in this meeting everything I had to say was listened to and unlike the actual Synod meeting, in the PPG, I have voice AND vote.

After the New England Presbytery Partnership Group meeting, I went out to dinner with my boyfriend. Considering we are total dorks we don't have normal dinner conversation. Add to the fact that we are religious dorks and it gets worse. David is a religious studies major. He has a minor in Christian-Jewish-Muslim Relations and a minor in Women’s and Gender Studies. Yeah, he is pretty amazing. I'm a religion major but I study theology whereas he studies different religions. David plans to be a professor. I plan to be a minister of the Word and Sacrament. So our dinner conversation covers different theological ideas, classes, current events, the future, acpocalypse, and any number of topics that would be unusual for any other dinner couple.

Talking about the PPG meeting led us into talking about the future. I am a church geek. More specifically, I am a Presbyterian Church Geek. I am a Presbygeek. I hope you figured that much out at this point. I enjoy polity. I read the Book of Order for fun. I am a geek. I recently added a new item to my lsit of life goals: become the youngest Moderator of the General Assembly. The role of the youth in the church and the voice of the youth in the church. I have about 17 years to complete this goal.

My Role at AUC

One of the big problems I have with being a Presbyterian at a Seventh-day Adventist college is theological difference. The main things are the same, because we are protestant denominations, but the extra things, and mainly the lifestyle things, are very different. Presbyterians and Adventists both believe in Jesus and the trinity, and we use the same bible. Presbyterians use the creeds and we are a more reformed tradition. Adventists have a prophet, not found in the bible. Her name is Ellen Gould White. She wrote books about how to live properly. She saw visions from God and because of her writings and visions she is a prophet within the church.

When I met with the Committee on Preparation for Ministry last week one of the questions they asked me was about what difficulties I have had as a Presbyterian in this environment. I told them about some of the theological differences I have faced and what I have felt when certain topics have come up. One of the real touchy subjects that come up is homosexuality. This tends to be a touchy subject no matter where you are, however being in an über conservative Christian setting the tension is only exemplified. The general consensus over here is that homosexuality is evil, all homosexuals are going against the bible and they need to convert to the straight life. I, on the other hand, disagree with this sentiment. For the most part I keep my views to myself. When things I do not agree with get mentioned in class I just keep my head down because I do not feel like dealing with the debate that would come up when I say what I believe. Homosexuality is not one of the topics that I stay quiet through. Even though it gets me glares and often I do not feel safe after speaking up I do anyway. If I do not speak up, no one will.

I skipped my New Testament Epistles class on Thursday but during the class one of my classmates told be everything that was taken place (via facebook chat) and once again the topic turned to homosexuality. I was not there to give the nonjudgmental viewpoint. While I was glad that I was not present to have to listen to all of the homophobic things being said I realized that I have a role in this place. I am the person who stands up for others. Even though those others have not made themselves known, I stand up for them. If I did not say what I feel needs to be said I would not serve my role. 

Seminary Criteria

I was just think that this probably should have been my first blog post as I was contemplating seminary. That may have helped with all of the indecisiveness. I think a question I never truly asked myself was "What am I looking for in a Seminary?" I have visited schools and decided  that is or that wasn't what I am looking for, and I have talked to people from different schools and thought, "well that interests me". however I never came up with a list of exactly what I am looking for in a seminary/divinity school/ school of theology etc.

Things I want:

• Racial/ethnic diversity- I don't want the campus to be a sea of white faces. I've visited some schools where it seemed the student body was primarily white and that is very foreign to me.
• Multiple faith groups- I do not care what the denominational affiliation of the school is. I want there to be many different denominations represented in the students and staff.
• Non-christian students- Having Jewish and Muslim students adds to the learneing experience. one of my interests is interfaith dialogue and in order to make this better you need other faiths.
• A commitment to social justice- classes that are focused on our role as Christians within our world, a focus in classes, in spirital life and in social life on hunger, LGBTQ issues, economic exploitation, etc.
• A concern for the environment- I like the environment...my current school doesn't. I want a school that cares about recycling and preserving our planet and our roles as stewards of God's creation.
• Classes in topics that interest me- classes on feminist theology, war studies, interreligious dialogue, polity, sex, the theology in other cultures, liberation theology, LGBTQ issues within the church
• Welcoming churches in the area- They don't have to be PCUSA (though that is prefered), but I need a church that I can go to for three years where I can feel comfortable and feel at home.
• Reformed theology- I need a school where the beliefs align somewhat with my own. I'm think catholicism and Adventism are out, sorry guys!
• Active campus life (clubs, events etc)- I want to attend clubs. I haven't had a real chance to in my undergraduate career. clubs on LGBTQ issues, denominational, for things I care about. I want to attend events hosted by faculty, and different clubs. plays, preformances, things that give you the real seminary/ a graduate school experience.
• A city- I grew up in the city and as much as I love the rural life I still love the city. Seminary in the city makes it easier to get around, easier to attend events, easier to interact with people.
• Easy to get around the neighboring places- this really means I a place with public transportation. Yes, I have a car but I hate to drive. If I want to go out to a movie or to grab a bite to eat I don't want to have to drive all the time.
• On-campus housing- It's preferable, but not absolutely necessary
• Faculty and students interacting- I want to learn from faculty that actually know who I am. I do not want to be just a number to them. I want them to know my name and where I come form and I want to know the same about them.

I guess this is a rough list of what I am looking for in a semiary. Even with just this list I feel that my search is more focused. I do wish that there was a collegeboard type search engine for seminaries. Just put in the info I care about and it pops up with which semianries to look at. But now that I have this list of what I care about maybe my decision making will become easier?