I'm not sure if I mentioned this when I first started blogging but I have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was in the tenth grade. You see, when I was younger my teachers suggested that there was something wrong but my parents never had me tested. So my teachers, not knowing quite what to do with me, would have me sit in the corner with a book. I wasn't the ADHD kid that would run around, but rather the one who needed something to do. I would finish my work so fast and if left idle I would run around and be crazy, but if they kept giving me stuff to do I was alright. When my sister brought me to the neurologist he asked me how I managed to live life thus far. He was amazed that no one had put me on drugs before. I spent 10th-12th grade on an amazing cocktail of narcotics. At different points I was on concerta, Aderall, Ritalin and Strattera. They all had their own very interesting side effects. Straterra was a special drug in particular because it gave me narcolepsy.
When I went off to college I decided that I was going to stop taking meds. I decided that I didn't want to be dependent on narcotics...even if they were prescribed and even if they helped me. Over the past three and a half years I have reconsidered many many times. I am currently at the point where I want to go back on Aderall. That was the drug that helped the best. I was actually able to concentrate when I was taking that.
Right now I can feel it when I lose concentration. Literally, it's as if I can feel the chemicals in my brain change. Some one asked me what it feels like and it's very hard to describe. I suppose the best way to describe it would almost be like having something crawl on your skin except it is in my brain. That sounds really wrong but I think it is the only way to even come close to putting the feeling into words. Describing the symptoms is easy (the racing thoughts, the many different unrelated thoughts, the desperate need to do something, the need to move physically), but describing how I think it feels when the chemicals change is something I do not even understand myself.
The point of saying that I have ADHD was to apply it to my blog. You may have noticed that my posts jump around a lot and that I change my mind a lot. For instance, the last post I had was about the possibility of doing an M.Div and law. I'm not sure that's the route I want to go down now. It was only a few days ago and yet I've changed my mind. One of the symptoms of ADHD is a lack of impulse control. I make decisions quickly and then they change. one day I'm deciding that law is the route I want to go down and then the next day it's changed completely. I'm not a fan.
I suppose this is all to say that I am impulsive. My blog posts will contradict themselves. I will make up my mind only to change it later. The odd thing is I can normally control it when it applies to other people. When I have to make a decision that involves other people and has an impact on other people I can think things through and come to a proper decision and stick with it, but when it comes to my own life that is unheardof. If you cannot deal with my crazy unpatterned and unorganized thoughts I would stop reading now. Things might get better when I go back on meds or when I finally get into a seminary (the biggest life decison will not be looming over me at that point). I would love for you to stick around, but honestly I understnad. heck i don't even want to be stuck in my head with my thoughts most of the time.