We Will Endure

I do not know if I have ever felt so useless or helpless or I am not even sure if the proper title to put upon the way I feel yesterday and today. I feel like I should be doing something and yet have no idea what I can possibly do. Yesterday explosions went off in downtown Boston. Thus far, three have died (including an eight year old little boy) and over 140 are injured, many of which have lost limbs. I feel like I should be there, helping in some way.

The Boston Marathon is supposed to be a joyous event. For many organizations it is a chance for fundraising. Millions of dollars are raised for diabetes, pediatric cancer, leukemia, and countless other diseases. It is also an event that attracts hundreds of thousands people to our city and some one or some group of people decided to sieze that opportunity. When I first heard the news my thought immediately went to members of my family who were running in and volunteering at the race. Initially, the reports I heard was simply that there was some sort of explosion, but it did not mention any injuries. And as news continued to come in, and as I realized how serious it truly was I felt unable to move. Things like this usually don't hit me that hard. With school shootings and other such violent and cowardice events, I am sadden and I pray for those affected. But as a resident of Massachusetts. As a girl born and raised in and by South Boston, this hit me hard. Boston is and always will be my home. The thought that someone could do this to my home is devastating.

But they forget that Boston is a strong city. We are a people rich in character and endurance. I generally try to avoid expletives in my Facebook and twitter posts but they has not held true in the past 24 hours. For one, the fact that there is a family that has lost their 8 year old son in addition to their daughter and mother being hospitalized and going through different surgeries for their injuries disgusts me. These children are close personal friends of members of the church that raised me. Our children should not be dying. We should not have to worry about losing limbs when we go to watch a footrace. This is not the only expletives I've used on social media in regards to this tragedy. Someone posted an image of the mascots of the 4 Boston based sports teams (Red Sox, Patriots, Celtics, Bruins) with the subtitle "You Fucked with the Wrong City!" I reposted it. I think it is entirely true. We will endure. You, whoever you are, have hurt us greatly. You have injured many and murdered some. You have also pissed this city, this state, and many others who consider Boston a part of them, off. Remember, we are the city where when Chick-Fil-A came out as anti-gay, or mayor said they would never have a place in our city. We are a city that fights for our own. We are a city that bands together. We are a city that will mourn and overcome. We are called Massholes for a reason. Whoever did this should be scared now.

Cities across the country are praying for us. Athletes with Boston connections are writing "Pray for Boston" on their skates and gloves. Entire arenas are holding a moment of silence for our city. We will endure. The Presbyterian Church (USA) will have the disaster team in Boston in just over an hour. It makes me even prouder to be a Presbyterian. Fourth Presbyterian Church (340 Dorchester St South Boston) is having a prayer service at 7:00 First Pres Waltham has their sanctuary open all day for those who need it. Local law enforcement and the FBI are working together to track down the people who thought it was a good idea to fuck with Boston.

We are Strong. We are Family. We are Bostonians. We will Endure.

I have a dress!

Christmas break is great because everyone is home and we can spend time together. It's the only time everyone is together. So during break we went dress shopping! I went to David's Bridal with Jenn (future mom-in-law), Shelby (future sister-in-law), Amanda, Katie, and Brittny (3 of the bridesmaids). I tried on so many dresses that were nice. Some I hated. And then finally tried on the one I fell in love with. It was so much fun shopping with my ladies!
When i realized that this was the dress i sent pictures to my brother-in-law and sister. I put a deposit down on the dress and was told that I had 60 days to pay it off. Once it was paid off they would order it for me. When I went to spend time with my brother-in-law (John) and sister (Kacie) before heading back to school they had a surprise for me. John paid off my dress! So now my dress has been ordered and it arrives at the end of February! So excited! My brother-in-law is the best!

I love Jesus, I Like Tattoos

I like tattoos and I love Jesus. I want a full sleeve. I also want a job in a church some day. Apparently, these two things tend not to go hand and hand. I have been involved in numerous conversations since coming to seminary about tattoos and none of them has left me feeling too great. We all wish that we lived in a world where people are not judged by their appearances but alas, this is unfortunately not the case. I have one friend that has a full sleeve. It is from just above the shirt cuff all the way to his shoulder. If he needs to, he can hide it. Personally, I do not think he should ever have to hide it. It is beautiful artwork and now a part of him.

The year after my father died, I got a tattoo in memory of him. I knew instantly what I wanted to get but the difficult aspect was figuring out where I would get it. I want to be a pastor some day so it had to be in a location that is easily covered but at the same time, I wanted it to be in a location where it could be displayed if I wanted it to. One major factor was that I want it to be visible on my wedding day so my father is visibly with me. In the end, I got a starfish tattooed onto my left shoulder blade, easily concealed, and easily revealed. Three years after my Dad died, my Nana Rosie passed away of the same type of cancer. I want to get a tattoo to remember her by and once again, the problem I run into is since I am going to be a pastor and will need to cover this up, where do I get it?

I want at least three more tattoos:

A rose to represent my Nana Rosie who passed oflung cancer two years ago 

A shamrock to represent my Auntie Barbie who passed from a Pulmonary embolism this summer

A PCUSA cross that represents my love of the church and the role Fourth Pres (South Boston) serves as a place of refuge when home was not

Tattoos are beautiful pieces of art. They can carry so much meaning to a person. If done for the right reasons, they can carry a story that is otherwise untold. Tattooing has been practiced for centuries and yet it is still taboo. There is a Christian tattoos movement. People get back pieces that are the full crucifixion scene. People get scripture tattooed on them. But is it okay for the pastor to have tattoos? I want to be a tattooed pastor. I understand the Leviticus 19: 28 reasoning behind not getting tattoos but I also eat lobster.

I suppose my whole point is that I wish the appearance was not such a huge issue in society. I think someone with facial piercings and tattoos can be a better pastor that someone that is entirely clean-cut because it is not our appearance that determines our suitability for ministry but rather our heart, our faith, our experience. I love Jesus and I like tattoos and I do not think that these need to be mutually exclusive. I am a future pastor with one tattoo and plans for more. I’m pretty sure Jesus loves me and my tattoos. 

Transitional Woman

Last week I was given a bead for my charm bracelet. It is called "Transitional Woman" and it depicts a woman evolving. I have decided that Transitional Woman and I do not agree. This past week has been absolutely awful for me. I fully believe that I have cried more in the past ten days than anyone should. period. I apparently am not a fan of transition. The change is difficult to deal with. For the past four years I have been a college student and what am I now? How do I identify myself to myself? I wish that I had gone straight into classes once I got finished at AUC. Maybe things would have been easier that way? There are so many questions floating around in my head right now and the inability to answer them all makes me anxious. Where am I going with my life? What am I doing with my life? What will Princeton be like? Will I be able to pass Greek? Will I make friends? What will living in New Jersey be like? What will I do once I am done with Princeton? How will David and I make the five hour distance work? Will I be able to find a job at Princeton?

Another issue I am having is that I feel like there is nowhere I belong. Family is supposed to love you unconditionally. They are genetic programmed to in a way, like you. My family does not like me. My family does not love me. They have made this abundantly clear as of late. If, the people who are supposed to love me do not, who will? If I do not belong with my family where do I belong? I no longer belong at my college, so where do I belong? Where is a family I can call my own? Is there anywhere that I belong?

Purple for Graduation

A few weeks ago, there was a group of students visiting from a high school in Canada. It was my job to give them a tour of the campus. When my boss was introducing me to the students and their chaperones she introduced me as “the cause person on campus”. She explained to them that I am always working on a different cause. At first, I was a little bit offended. Is that what I want to be known as? When I leave this college do I want people to remember me as the cause girl? After reflecting on it, I realized that I have no problem with people knowing me as the cause person. I am passionate about improving the world we live in and whether it is by collecting supplies to send to Haiti, organizing a 30-Hour Famine, putting on a TOMs One Day Without Shoes or something else, at least I am facilitating change.

Well school is almost over. Graduation is pretty soon. It is going to be great. My friends will be there and so will some family members. However, my Dad will not be and that really sucks. It has been three years since he passed away. It hurts to know that he will not be able to be here to see me graduate. My Nana Rosie will not be there either. It has been a year since she passed. I was pondering this the other day…thinking about how much it blows that they will not be there, thinking how much I wish they could see me, thinking how much I wish they would be with me on that day.

The gerbils that live in my mind are really random. They enjoy going off on their own little paths, and they tend to not agree with path to go down, so I have gerbils running in every direction making my thought patterns do the same. When I was reflecting on my dad and my Nana one of the smarter gerbils apparently won the fight for where my attention would go and a little thought popped into my head. And this, lead me to My Graduation Goal. If I can raise $500 by May 15th I will dye my hair Purple for Graduation. Purple? Why Purple? Purple is the color that the American Cancer Society uses for Cancer Awareness. Both My dad and my Nana were colon cancer survivors but then passed due to lung cancer. Many others in my life are either Cancer survivors or currently battling Cancer.

As I have said before I go to a pretty conservative Christian college. There are a great many of rules, some of them are expected because it is a Christian school, some are unique to their denomination, and others are just plain silly. No alcohol…well okay, it is a Christian school, a lot of Christian schools ban alcohol…I can understand it. No Jewelry…hmm, well that is tougher but for the most part, I will follow it. I am not removing my cross in class but I will not wear huge earring deal? No unnatural hair colors? Wait a second, seriously? If my hair is a color that does not occur naturally, I can lose my job? Unfortunately, they are not kidding. If I were to dye my hair green, pink, or any other unnatural color, I could lose my job.

Therefore, if (hopefully WHEN) I reach my goal of $500 you will not see it until the graduation ceremony. Please help me reach and exceed my goal by going to my Fundraising Site to donate!

I did It!

In the event that my last post was confusing, allow me to explain: I "have been accepted into candidacy for the Master of Divinity - M.Div. program starting in the Fall Term of the 2011-2012 Academic Year." Last week I had received the letter telling me that it could take up to six weeks to get notification, and I have been checking the website daily, so I was not expecting anything. David's mom came by campus to bring me mail on her way to the library and Low and Behold amongst my mail was a letter from Princeton Theological Seminary! I opened it and once I read the word "Congratulations!" I screamed. I'm not going to say that I had a mature response. I screamed...multiple times. I have been praying and praying for this to happen and oh my goodness my prayers have been answered.

The first person to know was Jenn (David's mother) because she was there when I opened it. I then called David and left a voicemail. Once he called me back I did a little more celebrating. I told my two best friends on campus and then my favorite professor, Mr. Adam Ingano. He wrote one of my recommendation letters so I went and interrupted his class to tell him. I called my grandmother's house and left a message for my mother and grandmother. Then I told David's father and sister. I called my brother and told him and then I called my sister.  I figured I had all of the people who would skin my alive if they had to find out second hand or by facebook, so I posted it online. After that started the texts.: My boss, Alexander (see previous post about the only other person applying to grad school), the Dean of Students (he has asked every day if I had heard), my advisor (who was in the hospital and appreciated the text), my uncle, one of the people in Boston I used to live with, a few on campus friends, my camp friends, and a few other random people. I also emailed the secretary of my CPM to let CPM know. I also emailed someone that I am close to on Boston's COM who has been in conversation with me about seminary options. Hopefully I covered everyone.

Possibly the best reaction I received as from my friend Kelly. Kelly is a senior in high school and has been like a little sister to me for years. She got accepted to an amazing music college in NYC and we had talked about the very real possibility of getting together regularly if I got into Princeton. I sent her a text to let her know that I got in and that we are going to have fun together next year and her response was "HOLY BALLS CONGRATULATIOOOOOOONS! Oh man I can't wait for next Year!!" Clearly the best response.

For the first time I feel that my family is actually proud of me. I've always felt like an outcast in my family and that they never were really proud of anything I have done. I'm going into ministry and as a much of lapsed catholics they do not really understand that. They pretty much want me to get a job that will pay. If I had decided to go to Louisville or some other seminary they would probably pretend to be supportive but the fact that Princeton is a name that people know is something that they can be proud of. My mother can now say that her daughter is going to Princeton. When I told my brother yesterday he said "we always knew  the smart one." When we were younger that was used to make fun of me, but now it's morphed into an actual complement. When he said it there was no sarcasm or malice. My mother said (via text) "I always knew u was the smartest!" and "so proud of u luv u" and "It is all u girl u did it by urself and u deserve it". It made me feel good to read that! I have worked for this and I achieved it. I haven't had the best relationship with my mother, but I'm working on it. To hear that she is proud of me is something I've needed to hear for years.

Danger Will Robinson

Today is one of those days where people should avoid me at all costs. There is a large chance that if the wrong person says the wrong thing I will snap. Now mind you, I am not a violent person, but I can be a huge B*tch when provoked. And today is one of those days.

The worst part is, I'm not even sure why I am like this. No, wait, that
might be a lie. There is a lot of crap going on in my life currently and it's
all bottling up. Normally this mood is like a hangover, and I can just sleep it
off. Apparently not today. I had a dream this morning that just made things
worse. So I have been staying with my boyfriend's family when I am not at
school. It was initially only supposed to be for a few weeks. Last night his mom
told me that she wants me to move out the week after graduation. so I have to
find somewhere to live at that point. That is what sort of allowed all of my
negative emotions to rise to the service. While texting with my boyfriend last
night he asked me what was wrong and this was my response

"The fact that my friends hate each other and I am stuck in the middle
being a horrible friend to at least some one at all times. The fact that one of
those friends has decided that if he doesn't take time off next semester and
leave the country he will kill himself (and that i am the only one that knows).
The fact that I don't know what the hell I'm doing come graduation. The fact
that I have to take 28 credits next semester in order to graduate. The fact that
my mother is suddenly appearing and trying to be every type of mother she never was I have no (expletive) clue how to approach that or respond. The fact that the head of my department has decided to start trying to convert me and is giving me a hard time for everything AND informed me, in class, yesterday that he will give me a hard time until I graduate. And I can't talk to friends because either they don't care or are in part the cause of my distress."

Like I said normally I can just sleep and the emotions go away. That's how it normally works. That is my normal coping technique. I avoid them and they go away. Yeah it's probably not healthy, but it works for me. I should probably add that I avoid confrontation AT ALL COSTS!!!!!! There was too much of it when I was a kid and so I try to have none in my adult life. I blast some music and drift off to sleep and I wake up and it's all better. That did NOT work this time. I put on some evanescence and went to sleep. I woke up this morning from a dream and the dream I had had only made the emotions, the thoughts, the everything worse. Which is why I reason it would be a good idea to stay away today. I feel bad because at least one of my friends is trying to talk to me. Problem is she's one of the Friends mentioned in the text to David (boyfriend).

So I can't tell her the extent of what is bothering me. So I only told her about
the dream. This is what I explained The dream: I had a dream where my father and I were with my grandfather. I couldn't see his face the entire time because I don't remember what he looks like. So it was a blur instead of his face. We were in his condo or something and getting along really well. At first it was awkward but in the end I was sitting next to him on the couch and like rested my head on his shoulder. But that dream could never take place. Mainly because my dead is dead! And also because he would have never been in the same place as his father.

You have to understand about my family. I don't really remember my grandfather. I found his address on google a few months ago and I've been wanting to write, but to be honest I am afraid too. I don't really know the extent of what happened. Mainly because everyone treats me like a little kid and tell me absolutely nothing. I'll be 22 in 6 days, time to treat me like an adult, but that's a tale for another time I suppose. I'm not sure what happened between my dad and my grandfather but it was huge. I've heard rumors but no one has ever said directly "this is what happened". I do know I haven't seen my grandfather in a long long time. He didn't even come to Dad's funeral. I have one memory and that is of my cousin Timmy and I, we must have been 2-3 years old and we are sitting next to my grandfather on Christmas eve. That's it. I saw a picture of him in the slide show from my grandmother's wake in March which sort of inspired me to get in touch, but as I said I am afraid.

So I have had a craptastic week. Everything is compounding. Between school,
friends, drama, advisers, my mother, post-graduation, my messed up dreams, and the desire yet fear to know my grandfather my everything feels like it will
crumble if the wind blows. I advise keeping your distance today. Hopefully
tomorrow my coping mechanisms will get their act together and work.