I Give Myself Away

If I am being perfectly honest with myself, and whoever is reading this, I am scared about tomorrow. After Greek tomorrow I have another doctor's appointment. We are going to evaluate the results of last week's blood work and do some more blood work. The doctor is supposed to tell me whether or not I have to go see an endocrinologist. As I have said before this is a perfectly shitty time for this to be happening. I'm in class everyday and the class is kicking my ass so having something big distract my already distractable mind is bad.
On top of that the people I love and that I ordinarily have around me to lean on are five hours away. David called me while I was in church (we went to Broad Street Ministries to hear Andy preach and I absolutely fell in love with the place. I want to go back many times. It's what I was looking for. But a post will come later about that.), and so after the service I called him back. It was very difficult to talk because I was practically running through Philly, felt like I was going to be sick, and was surrounded by people. There was all kinds of things I wanted to talk to him about and things I wanted to hear about. I felt like I was being a crappy girl friend because I haven't gotten to speak to him all weekend. He felt like he was bothering me and intruding, which he wasn't at all, it's just difficult to have a conversation as I am trying to hurry through a city with people that don't know what is going on.
I was thinking of going to talk to the campus chaplain lady. Part of it is because I'm just freaking out in a huge way. I have never had any serious health problems. I've broken bones. I've gotten a concussion. I have sprained and twisted and dislocated things. I had a while where I had to go to physical therapy for my knee. I've never been faced with a disease before. I've never possibly had an on going medical condition. Well, I suppose that is not true. If I do have something it's not like I just developed it today, I've possibly had it for a while and just not known about it.
 Going to two services today (Nassau Presbyterian in the morning and Broad Street Ministries this evening) gave me time to reflect. In a way this is a bit like when Dad died. I know that sounds extreme but hear me out. I was a freshman in college and had decided to switch schools and major in theology. I was fully prepared to serve God and do whatever God deemed me fit to do. And then Dad died. And it made me question my faith and doubt everything I thought I knew. It was a time where I constantly wondered why I should be doing this if God is going to do horrible things in my life. Now I am smarter and hopefully I have more faith and trust in God. I'm starting Seminary. I am going to fully serve God. And a big medical event is happening. But now, I fully trust in God. I know that God is going to do what God is going to do and regardless I am a child of God and God loves me. Tonight, at Broad Street, the Song of Affirmation was "I Give Myself Away" and it really hit home for me. This is what I'm working on and though the things that are currently going on in my life may challenge me, it is all about giving myself away, putting my life in the Lord's hands and being open to being used in whatever way possible.

Chorus:
I give myself away
I give myself away
So You can use me
I give myself away
I give myself away
So You can use me

Verse 1:
Here I am
Here I stand
Lord, my life is in your hands
Lord, I'm longing to see
Your desires revealed in me
I give myself away

Verse 2:
Take my heart
Take my life
As a living sacrifice
All my dreams all my plans
Lord I place them in your hands

Bridge:
My life is not my own
To you I belong
I give myself, I give myself to you

The Commencement Speech I Would Give

I was sitting at my desk at work yesterday and my mind started to wander, as it typically does. It wandered to the speeches that were given at my High School graduation, and the speeches I've seen at other graduations. It wandered to the speeches given last year at AUC's graduation and then it arrived on if I were to give a speech at graduation what would I say? That thought mixed with reflecting on my time in college came up with this:

Lessons Learned

In my time at Atlantic Union College, I have said more than once, “I can’t wait to graduate”. Alright, to be honest, I have said that more times than I can actually count. When struggling through professor Lugenbeal’s Greek class: I cannot wait to graduate! When procrastinating in Dean Francis’ statistics class: I cannot wait to graduate! When attempting to understand the theological and apocalyptic implications of the interpretation of the different horses in the sixth chapter, verses 1 through 8, of the book of Revelation and the symbolism behind their coloring in Doctor Davis’ course on Revelation, (and surprise Dean Davis, I was paying attention), I may have uttered a couple hundred times, “I can’t wait to graduate!” From the day, I was accepted to graduate school, my mantra has been “I cannot wait to graduate!” 

And yet here I stand, mere moments from graduating from college, and I begin to reflect on my time here. I think of the things learned in the classroom but truly, it is the things learned outside of the classroom that stick out the most. There were the times I left class completely confused and it was not until studying with friends that things began to click. It was outside of class where I learned valuable things, like which toiletry bottles are best for holding open a window. (Turns out that a can of hairspray works best FYI). It was outside of class where I learned one of life’s most valuable lessons: It does not matter if you are white and have no rhythm whatsoever, get your butt out on the dance floor and enjoy yourself. It was outside of class where I learned that if you manage to go to sleep at 9:00 PM and wake up at 3:30 AM you will have amazing amounts of energy and actually manage to get work done. At that same time, I realized that no one is in the girls’ dorm computer lab at 3:30 AM so the only distraction from your work is yourself. 

It was outside of classes that I learned what a mystery substance known as stripples are. One of the greatest lessons I have learned during my nearly four years at Atlantic Union College was not learned in a classroom, it was not part of an assignment, and it was not during a chapel. The greatest thing I learned was something I learned from a fellow student this past semester. The greatest thing I learned was positive thinking. If you put yourself down that means, everyone else can. If you think you are beaten, you are. If you do not challenge yourself, no one ever will. A friend, whom I wish I had met earlier in my academic career, taught me this and I do not exaggerate when I say that it was her annoying little goal to drill it into my head over the course of the semester. 

In my time at Atlantic Union College, I have met amazing people. There have been professors who have guided us along the way. The first one that comes to mind is Rick Trott, who I have mentally referred to as Trottikins in my time here. Most of us have a professor that has given us extra help or has made our time here worth it. We have made friends here. Some of those friends we might never see after May 15, others we will stay in touch with via Facebook or email, and then there are those others...those that you have met in your time at AUC who have become family. I know for me at least, there are people I am graduating alongside that are like brothers and sisters to me, who I will not be losing contact with whether they like it or not. 
 

In my time at AUC, I have learned how to parse Greek verbs, how to find the standard deviation, how to counsel people, how to preach a sermon, how to be a pastor, how to be a friend, how to introduce myself in Spanish at a church, and how to develop my ideas in order to win an argument. Adam Ingano’s Radicals & Reformers, Rick Trott’s Christian Ethics, Andrew Francis’ Computer classes, Francy Duran’s History of Christianity, Gidget Keech’s Group Counseling, Roger Bothwell’s Introduction to Psychology, and Adam Ingano’s American National Government, these are some of the classes that have taught me lessons and provided me with experiences that I will keep with me after I leave this place, this campus, this town. 

In my time at Atlantic Union College, I have learned how to defend my beliefs and I have learned who I am. These are two of the most vital lessons a person can learn in life and I have Atlantic Union College to thank for that. Now that college is done, I intend to sleep for a week. I have to catch up for all of those all-nighters we have pulled this semester. I leave you with the memorable words of our former president, George W. Bush, “To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you too may one day be president of the United States.” 

Reflections

Cameroon is unlike anywhere else I have been. Considering that it was my first time outside of North America, this should come as no surprise. Our first night Shelby and I had a conversation about the trip and how everyone told us how much it would change us and how we were unsure of what that really meant. At the same time, the timing of the trip came at a point where we both needed it. For a while, I have been trying to figure out my life and what I am supposed to be doing with it.
When I had finished packing on my last day in Bamenda, I sat on my bed in Ma's house and made a few lists. Lists of things I had to declare at customs, a list of things I tried for the first time on this trip:

• Kola Nut
• Bitter Kola
• Raffia
• Cassava
• Fermented Cassava (myobo)
• paw paw
• huckleberry
• bushmeat
• bone marrow
• palm wine
• lamb
• achoo
• ground nuts

Those were only the things I could think of in that moment, there are other things I tried that I didn't write down and because people were feeding us so often there were things I ate without knowing it. In addition to eating things for the first time I also made of list of things I had done for the first time:

• first trip to Africa
• first time in Cameroon
• First time I have ever been called Pastor (in Cameroon if you are studying to be a pastor, they call you pastor which was difficult for me because I don't feel qualified)
• I've never had my picture taken so many times
• First time dining with the head of a political party
• first time I have felt 100% completely totally and utterly confused
• First time watching and participating in traditional African dances.
• First time wearing and owning a traditional African dress
• First time visiting a palace
• first time stuck in a car which was stuck in a ditch
• first time praying over a dying person
• first time blessing a home

The second to last one (First time praying over a dying person) is the one that sticks out when I have reflected on my time in Cameroon. I have been with people that were going to die. I have visited nursing homes. I have prayed with people that were in hospice. But none of those people were facing their death so quickly. The woman I prayed with in Bafut was going to die soon. Essentially she had hours, maybe days. I'm studying and preparing for a life in ministry. I still don't know what aspect of ministry.

Being with this woman and praying with this woman freaked me out. I was petrified. I had never done anything like this and I doubted I could. I was afraid I would say the wrong thing. I was afraid I would pray wrong. I was afraid I would be the last prayer she heard. I was afraid for so many reasons. Then, a little voice in my head said "Let Go and Let God". It's weird that an AA slogan would pop into my head. Maybe it's because I've spent time sitting in on AA meetings and going to Ala-teen, or maybe it was someone specific telling me that. I'm not sure, but the voice was right. That was exactly what I needed to do.

So I let go. So I let God. I'm not really sure what I said. I honestly have no clue. I may have started with Dear God, but I'm not certain. I know that I ended with Amen. I was freaking out for know reason. It wasn't about me. I twas about God! God wasn't going to let me screw it up because God was in control.

last leg

1/7/11 9:10 PM (Zurich time?)

We are somewhere over the ocean, but I'm not exactly sure how far out we are. We've been in the air for around four hours I think. I've taken a short nap, watched a movie and am in the middle of watching a second movie. By the time we make it back to Clinton we will have been traveling for around 40 hours. Fun stuff!I'm watching "the social network", about how mark zukerburg created Facebook. I found a quote interesting "Bosnia, they don't have roads but they have Facebook." it reminds me of Cameroon: they don't have running but they have Facebook.

11:00 PM

I've moves onto movie number three. It's eat pray love. Oh how I want to travel the world. Julia Roberts' character talks about needing to be unnerved and I feel that way. This trip stretched me so far outside of my comfort zone and I love it. It has me learn about the world around me and about myself. While in Italy she is having to heat up water and pour it into the bathtub to bathe, her version of the bucket baths we have become so accustomed to as of late.