Medical purgatory

I feel like I'm in some sort of Purgatory. And waiting for the other shoe to drop. And other metaphors and analogies for waiting for a result. Back in October, I blogged about some of the health issues that I've been facing. I wish it where as easy and as simple as I thought it was back in October. So it turns out that I was misdiagnosed with celiac disease. I do not have celiac disease, and in fact I am now able to eat dairy which I had been allergic to for almost a decade.
Day after Christmas I received a phone call from my doctors office asking me to call back immediately because it was very urgent that they speak to me instantly. I called them back to find out what the important thing was and it was just an appointment to follow up on my test results. I asked them if I was going to die if I didn't come instantly and of course the Answer was no. So I scheduled an appointment for when I returned to New Jersey. At my appointment we went over the test results from bloodwork that had previously been done. As suspected I am severely anemic and also severely vitamin D deficient. The doctor prescribed a heavy iron medication as well as a large vitamin D supplement. Not as expected was learning that it's my kidneys were dehydrated. I was advised to drink more water. However I already drank water and chew ice like it is going out of style. So this does not make much sense to me. We will look back on it at my next appointment.
The other thing they found had to do with my thyroid. As it turns out I have an autoimmune disease called Hashimoto's disease. Essentially my thyroid is not producing any of the hormone that is supposed to produce. This is because my immune system thinks that this hormone is enemy bacteria and destroys it instantly. The doctor gave me for this as well and we will retest my blood in a few weeks. In addition to the medication my doctor ordered a thyroid ultrasound. This was a semi-painful procedure because the technician Used the ultrasound wand and repeatedly pressed down on my thyroid. At one point the technician flipped a switch which changed the ultrasound image into a multicolored image different colored shapes appeared on the image with sizes mark next to them, I knew that this was not a good sign. My doctors office called me later in the week to inform me, over the phone, that the ultrasound revealed a large number of nodules on my thyroid with a high probability of being cancerous. Following my blood work and in a few weeks we will discuss the options to further investigate the nodules which may include an air aspirated needle biopsy. This is a very frightening notion. I have never had any sort of procedure done. The most severe of medical procedures I've had is a cast one I broke my arm. I want answers and I hate feeling the way I'm feeling so if that is what it takes to get answers of course I will go through with it, however I hope that they knock me out for this. The medication of the doctors prescribed this is just me alleviating some of the symptoms of the Hashimoto's disease. I'm not entirely sure which symptoms it is supposed to take care of...Because I still feel exhausted I am able to sleep more than any person should be. It's a good thing that my first class on most days of the week is not until 1 PM because I am not awake before 11.
In other news I have joined a gym. I'm attempting to go at least three times a week. Ideally it would be more like every other day. And someone is I wish I had a friend to work out with so that I would be motivated to drive to the gym and work out and yet and other ways I don't want to work out with anyone I know because those body image issues. My goal, I am about sure of how realistic it may or may not be, is to lose 140 pounds in the next 16 months. This feels currently near impossible when eating on the school meal plan as I currently am forced to do. I hope and believe that this will become easier when the school year ends and I am able to cook for myself this summer.

Resolutions I Can Stick To!

Year after year people decide upon their New Year resolution. But how many people actually stick to their resolutions? There are those that decide that they will lose 50 pounds, but by the second week of January, how many people throw that out the window, when the chocolate cake because just too appealing? I have known many people with the resolution to quit smoking...but once they become stressed, well one cigarette doesn't count. 

I usually neglect to make New Year resolutions because I know myself and I know I will forget to stick to them. This year, however, I have decided that I will make some. My resolutions will be realistic ones and ones that I believe I can actually keep. 

• Become more organized- I've purchased a planner and written down all of the events for the year that I already know about. I've enlisted the help of a friend who is a fantastic organizer. A huge factor of my current disorganization is my Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) so I'm headed off to a counselor to talk about that and figure out new coping mechanisms. 
• Become more financially responsible- I've altered my schedule to increase the number of hours I am working and I am being more conscious about my purchases and the way in which I spend my money. The biggest part has to do with organization and being aware of how much I have in my bank account (which means I will need to write down all of my transactions).
• Develop my prayer life- When I sat down with my CPM (Committee on Preparation for Ministry) this was something I decided that I need to work towards, but since then I haven't really made any progress. I'm searching for a devotional that captures my attention and one that I will stick with. Any suggestions will be appreciated.
• Become healthier- Like so many other people there is the underlying desire to lose weight. I would love to have the pounds just melt away, but more than anything else it is simply a desire to feel healthier. So that will include eating healthier (tonight it was spinach salad instead of the mashed potatoes and deep fried chicken patty), increased physical exercise (not necessarily hitting the gym hard but other things as well, today it was a walk around the graduate college's campus and the Institute for Advanced Study), and simply making smarter health decisions. 
• Sleep- I get a lot of it. I don't get sleep at the appropriate times. I need to move away from the going to bed at 3 AM and catching up on sleep on the weekends and move towards the getting 8 hours of sleep, even if that involves social sacrifices. Appropriate sleep schedules need to be a priority. 

5 resolutions. All of them are things that I will have to be conscious about. Some will be easier than others. Some will require a lot of help from other people. Some I simply need to make a priority in my life. Many of them will require sacrifice. I think I can do it. I think they will help to make me a better person physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally, in all the ways that matter. 

Words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated as I try to stick to these. 

I Give Myself Away

If I am being perfectly honest with myself, and whoever is reading this, I am scared about tomorrow. After Greek tomorrow I have another doctor's appointment. We are going to evaluate the results of last week's blood work and do some more blood work. The doctor is supposed to tell me whether or not I have to go see an endocrinologist. As I have said before this is a perfectly shitty time for this to be happening. I'm in class everyday and the class is kicking my ass so having something big distract my already distractable mind is bad.
On top of that the people I love and that I ordinarily have around me to lean on are five hours away. David called me while I was in church (we went to Broad Street Ministries to hear Andy preach and I absolutely fell in love with the place. I want to go back many times. It's what I was looking for. But a post will come later about that.), and so after the service I called him back. It was very difficult to talk because I was practically running through Philly, felt like I was going to be sick, and was surrounded by people. There was all kinds of things I wanted to talk to him about and things I wanted to hear about. I felt like I was being a crappy girl friend because I haven't gotten to speak to him all weekend. He felt like he was bothering me and intruding, which he wasn't at all, it's just difficult to have a conversation as I am trying to hurry through a city with people that don't know what is going on.
I was thinking of going to talk to the campus chaplain lady. Part of it is because I'm just freaking out in a huge way. I have never had any serious health problems. I've broken bones. I've gotten a concussion. I have sprained and twisted and dislocated things. I had a while where I had to go to physical therapy for my knee. I've never been faced with a disease before. I've never possibly had an on going medical condition. Well, I suppose that is not true. If I do have something it's not like I just developed it today, I've possibly had it for a while and just not known about it.
 Going to two services today (Nassau Presbyterian in the morning and Broad Street Ministries this evening) gave me time to reflect. In a way this is a bit like when Dad died. I know that sounds extreme but hear me out. I was a freshman in college and had decided to switch schools and major in theology. I was fully prepared to serve God and do whatever God deemed me fit to do. And then Dad died. And it made me question my faith and doubt everything I thought I knew. It was a time where I constantly wondered why I should be doing this if God is going to do horrible things in my life. Now I am smarter and hopefully I have more faith and trust in God. I'm starting Seminary. I am going to fully serve God. And a big medical event is happening. But now, I fully trust in God. I know that God is going to do what God is going to do and regardless I am a child of God and God loves me. Tonight, at Broad Street, the Song of Affirmation was "I Give Myself Away" and it really hit home for me. This is what I'm working on and though the things that are currently going on in my life may challenge me, it is all about giving myself away, putting my life in the Lord's hands and being open to being used in whatever way possible.

Chorus:
I give myself away
I give myself away
So You can use me
I give myself away
I give myself away
So You can use me

Verse 1:
Here I am
Here I stand
Lord, my life is in your hands
Lord, I'm longing to see
Your desires revealed in me
I give myself away

Verse 2:
Take my heart
Take my life
As a living sacrifice
All my dreams all my plans
Lord I place them in your hands

Bridge:
My life is not my own
To you I belong
I give myself, I give myself to you