Existential Crisis

Admittedly, the title of this post is a tad dramatic. However, some days I feel that it is entirely accurate. Seminary ahs led me to have regular existential crises.

Seminary has been a great experience thus fat. I have completed a little over a year and a half of a three-year program. I am more than half done. I have had ups and downs. I have failed and I have succeeded. I have had numerous health problems and have made great friends.

But one thing seminary has truly done is to make me question everything. I have never really questioned that there is a God but I have questioned so many other things. When I came to seminary, I thought I would be leaving ordained and ready to lead a small congregation. I know now that this is not the case. I no longer have an interest in pastoring a church or in being ordained.

I have been a member of the Presbyterian Church (USA) since elementary school. I have been ordained as a deacon and as a ruling elder. I am currently an inquirer of the ordination track. But my classes and my experiences make me question whether or not this is the right denomination for me. For one thing, all of my Presbyterian comrades seem to love love love Karl Barth. I have not read much Barth and I have no interest in reading any more of his work. My Presbyterian friends and professors LOVE John Calvin. I cannot stand John Calvin! My hatred for him and his work began when a professor said to me, “If a baby gets a brain tumor and dies, John Calvin says that it is God’s will!” I that that that is messed up and that does NOT sound like the God I believe in! I do not really fall in line with predestination and the total depravity.

I believe in pacifism. I believe in a God who lets us make out own mistakes but is there to save us. I believe in unending grace. I believe that awful things happen but not that those awful things are God’s will. I believe in free will. I believe in a God who acceptance and loving embraces.

II do not know where I belong. Maybe the PUSA is the right lace for me, but maybe it is not. Is it possible to live within a denomination while totally excluding the works of the theologians that they build their beliefs off of?

Discernment

I'm beginning to think that the longer I am in seminary the more clear my sense of call is. I suppose that this makes total sense. When else have I been so tested mentally, academically, spiritually, emotionally and physically? I've taken classes and my year and a half here that have challenged me in so many ways. I wanted to give up and quit seminary more times than I can count. But I stuck with it. I've cried myself to sleep. I've cried myself through studying. But still I persevere.

And in all of this growth and reflection and personal discernment one of the big things that I have been working on, especially with discernment, is figuring out where I feel called vocational. One point, years ago, I thought I felt called to parish ministry. And though I appreciate those who do feel called, and though I do enjoy preaching every once in a while, I know that I am not called to Parish ministry. This semester I have been doing a field education placement with the presbytery of West Jersey. I am been learning about the hunger issues in New Jersey and traveling from church to church through out the Presbytery teaching congregations about hunger and encouraging them to get involved with different missions related to hunger. It is been very rewarding and I have learned that I definitely enjoying this more then parish ministry or church placements. I cannot see some sort of educational or advocacy work being a part of what I am called to do.

After graduation I am moving to Louisville, Kentucky for the year to join my then-husband as he finishes up his final year of seminary. Following his graduation we hope to move back to Massachusetts. In Boston and the surrounding area there is a plethora of different nonprofits that would be amazing to work with and to work for. In particular I think the human rights campaign is very appealing as is the Waltham house, a home through the home for a little wanderers organization, that caters to young LGBTQ homeless teens. There are so many nonprofits that focus on education and advocacy and civil rights that would be amazing to become a part of. I think that the fields of that holds the most interest to me is civil rights and LGBTQ issues. Especially homeless LGBTQ young adults. I don't really have any doubts that I would be able to find a career where I would be able to both earn money as well as feel like I'm making a difference.

So at this point the thing that I'm having the most difficulty discerning is whether or not to continue on the ordination process. Working for some sort of nonprofit organization would not require me to be ordained. The ordination process for the Presbyterian Church has proven to this far be very stressful and I'm only on the beginning stage. Additionally, it is a very expensive process. At this point is difficult for me to be okay with forcing myself to go through so much stress and financial strain when ordination is not required. Things to think about and pray about and talk about and discern.

Update

It's January and I haven't posted since the end of October. There's just so many social media platforms to keep track of. So I'm addicted to Pinterest. I have a wedding board that I share with Jenn (my future mother-in-law) and Shelby (my future sister-in-law). There's well over 200 pins on the board. It's going to be difficult to narrow down all of the amazingness to things we can actually do for the wedding. Oh that lovely constraint of having a budget! Blah!
In other news I didn't fail Hebrew. That's kind of awesome because it was a huge possibility. Not looking forward to the second semester of Hebrew though.

My Role Model

In the summer of 1996 I began attending a summer day camp called the Summer Meals Program. It was at this tiny little Not-catholic church in my neighborhood, Fourth Presbyterian Church. Prior to coming to this camp I didn’t really ever do church, it was something that simply wasn’t in my family’s life (I still believe it had something to do with the Boston priest sex scandals, but I digress). I came home from camp and told my Dad about everything that happens at camp and I told him about Pastor Burns. My Dad informed that I could not call a pastor by his first name. You’re supposed to call them “pastor so-and-so”, to which I promptly responded, “No, his name is Pastor Burns. That is what everyone calls him.” By the end of the summer, I got my father to come to church on a Sunday and he got to see all that I was talking about. He got to meet this amazing Pastor I was talking about.

My dad and I came back week after week and he eventually joined the church. We fell in love. Summer after Summer I went back to the Summer Meals Program. Someone once joked that I was the poster child for Fourth. I started coming through the SMP, which was set up so that kids from low income neighborhoods would have breakfast and lunch during the summer. One summer, a new program was started, an extended day program called Mazemakers and I was the first one there. I went from being a camper to a teen helper and then a Shepherd (counselor). I was in countless plays, took piano lessons, guitar lessons, painting classes, and was a part of the homework help program and an active member of the youth group. Anything that was offered, I participated. Church was the first place I felt at home and it was my safety net.

When I was in 8^th and 9^th grade my life was pretty much in shambles. I had returned to Massachusetts the day before school started, having fled to Ohio for the summer to live with my aunt’s family after my mom left, and I had nowhere to live. Pastor Burns (who had evolved into simply Burns) and his family welcomed me into their home and I stayed there for months. The following year was difficult because of an intervention and my Dad subsequently going to rehab. Burns, his family, and my church family were there for me every step of the way.

Fourth Presbyterian Church is an amazing church. It is a medium sized church (of a little over 100 members) from all kinds of backgrounds. The members represent many different cultures and age groups. It is located in a low income neighborhood (with a lot of unfortunate problems like violence).The church is actively involved in all kinds of social justice work. This is the kind of church I want to work in when I’m done with seminary. Burns was one of the huge reasons why I decided to go to Seminary in the first place. After spending years of watching how he changed and grew the church and how he led them is a great inspiration. Burns is an amazing Pastor, Leader and Teacher. He recently celebrated twenty years of Pastoring Fourth and has touched so many lives over those twenty years.

Summer Reading

I plan to get a few mindless books in this summer: random chicklit and the like, but on top of that I have a list that was sent to me by the seminary that I'll be starting in on.

History

Comby, Jean, How to Read Church History, vol. 1, From the Beginnings to the Fifteenth Century (New York: Crossroad, 1985).


Theology

Bruyneel, Sally and Alan G. Padgett, Introducing Christianity (Maryknoll, N.Y.: Orbis, 2003).

Olson, Roger E., The Story of Christian Theology: Twenty Centuries of Tradition & Reform (Downers Grove, Ill.: InterVarsity, 1999).


Bible

Fee, Gordon, How to Read the Bible Book by Book: A Guided Tour (Grand Rapids, Mich: Zondervan, 2002)


Practical Theology

Paul Scott Wilson, The Four Pages of a Sermon: A Guide to Biblical Preaching. Nashville: Abingdon Press, 1999.
Clayborne Carson and Peter Holloran(eds.) A Knock at Midnight: Inspiration from the Great Sermons of Reverend Martin Luther King Jr. Grand Central Publishing, 2000.


General Suggestions

Elie Wiesel, Night. New York: Hill and Wang, c2006

D. Bonhoeffer’s Life Together. Minneapolis: Fortress 1996

Karl Barth Evangelical Theology: An Introduction. New York: Holt, Rinehart and Winston, 1963.

I did It!

In the event that my last post was confusing, allow me to explain: I "have been accepted into candidacy for the Master of Divinity - M.Div. program starting in the Fall Term of the 2011-2012 Academic Year." Last week I had received the letter telling me that it could take up to six weeks to get notification, and I have been checking the website daily, so I was not expecting anything. David's mom came by campus to bring me mail on her way to the library and Low and Behold amongst my mail was a letter from Princeton Theological Seminary! I opened it and once I read the word "Congratulations!" I screamed. I'm not going to say that I had a mature response. I screamed...multiple times. I have been praying and praying for this to happen and oh my goodness my prayers have been answered.

The first person to know was Jenn (David's mother) because she was there when I opened it. I then called David and left a voicemail. Once he called me back I did a little more celebrating. I told my two best friends on campus and then my favorite professor, Mr. Adam Ingano. He wrote one of my recommendation letters so I went and interrupted his class to tell him. I called my grandmother's house and left a message for my mother and grandmother. Then I told David's father and sister. I called my brother and told him and then I called my sister.  I figured I had all of the people who would skin my alive if they had to find out second hand or by facebook, so I posted it online. After that started the texts.: My boss, Alexander (see previous post about the only other person applying to grad school), the Dean of Students (he has asked every day if I had heard), my advisor (who was in the hospital and appreciated the text), my uncle, one of the people in Boston I used to live with, a few on campus friends, my camp friends, and a few other random people. I also emailed the secretary of my CPM to let CPM know. I also emailed someone that I am close to on Boston's COM who has been in conversation with me about seminary options. Hopefully I covered everyone.

Possibly the best reaction I received as from my friend Kelly. Kelly is a senior in high school and has been like a little sister to me for years. She got accepted to an amazing music college in NYC and we had talked about the very real possibility of getting together regularly if I got into Princeton. I sent her a text to let her know that I got in and that we are going to have fun together next year and her response was "HOLY BALLS CONGRATULATIOOOOOOONS! Oh man I can't wait for next Year!!" Clearly the best response.

For the first time I feel that my family is actually proud of me. I've always felt like an outcast in my family and that they never were really proud of anything I have done. I'm going into ministry and as a much of lapsed catholics they do not really understand that. They pretty much want me to get a job that will pay. If I had decided to go to Louisville or some other seminary they would probably pretend to be supportive but the fact that Princeton is a name that people know is something that they can be proud of. My mother can now say that her daughter is going to Princeton. When I told my brother yesterday he said "we always knew  the smart one." When we were younger that was used to make fun of me, but now it's morphed into an actual complement. When he said it there was no sarcasm or malice. My mother said (via text) "I always knew u was the smartest!" and "so proud of u luv u" and "It is all u girl u did it by urself and u deserve it". It made me feel good to read that! I have worked for this and I achieved it. I haven't had the best relationship with my mother, but I'm working on it. To hear that she is proud of me is something I've needed to hear for years.

I GOT INTO PRINCETON!

Waiting...Sucks!

Waiting sucks. When you are waiting for an answer it can be excruciatingly painful. Alright, that might be a slight exaggeration. But when that one decision is all you can think about, there is a bit of an aching feeling thinking about waiting for it. 

When I applied to college I was not too concerned. I applied to some random schools that I was not too passionate about. I was not too sure what I was doing with my life or what path I was headed down. Once I got into a college I knew that it would all work out. It didn't really matter what college I went to, so long as I went to college. When I was applying to colleges most of the people around me where as well. We all applied to colleges together and we all had to wait for the decisions. I even when to look at a school with some of my classmates. Everyone applying to college was sitting in the same boat, all playing the waiting game together.

The next step is a whole different ball of wax. This time around I care. I know what I want out of life. I know what direction I want to go in. I know which rabbit hole I want to fall down. This time around, I care about where I go to school. This time around I am not applying to a bunch of random schools. This time around, getting into a school doesn't matter...it's about getting into THE school. I am applying to three Seminaries: Princeton Theological Seminary, Louisville Presbyterian Theological Seminary and Iliff School of Theology. I care about all three schools and am interested in them for different reasons. So far I have applied to Princeton (they had the earliest deadline) and I am working on my applications to the other two.

Waiting for a response from Princeton has been exhausting. I check their website daily to see if I can find out the answer. I think about it at night, and everytime someone on campus asks me about the future, they are asking about Princeton. I got a letter in the mail this past week, from Princeton. My boyfriend's mom called to let me know it arrive. My question for her was "Big envelope or small envelope?" When she told me it was a small envelope I immediatly got discouraged. In my mind a small envelope equals rejection. It turns out that it wasn't a rejection or an acceptance, but rather they were informing me that my file was complete and that their admissions committee would now be reviewing it. I was so excited, only to be told to wait some more.

Today I told my friend Alexander that I recived a letter from Princeton and he got excited. I told him it was a small envelope, he got depressed. I told him what it said, he felt bad for me. Alexander understands what I am currently going through and where I am coming from because he is experiencing the same thing. The difference is is that he has already gotten accepted by his first choice school. Alexander now knows that he will be studying at Springfield College for his masters in psychology in the fall. I feel bad talking to most people about this situatuion because they aren't experiecing the same thing. There is a very few number of my graduating class that is applying to programs for further education. I know of three people definitivly (myself- Master of Divinity, Alexander- Masters of Psychology, Francisco- Masters in Music) and there are a few people that may or may not apply to the Adventist seminary, if they do not get job offers after graduation. While my close friends do not seem to mind me complaining about the process adn the waiting period I feel that everyone else doesn't understand.

Waiting sucks. I have reached the point where whether it is yes or no (PLEASE be Yes!) I just want an answer. The waiting is killing me!

Seminary Criteria

I was just think that this probably should have been my first blog post as I was contemplating seminary. That may have helped with all of the indecisiveness. I think a question I never truly asked myself was "What am I looking for in a Seminary?" I have visited schools and decided  that is or that wasn't what I am looking for, and I have talked to people from different schools and thought, "well that interests me". however I never came up with a list of exactly what I am looking for in a seminary/divinity school/ school of theology etc.

Things I want:

• Racial/ethnic diversity- I don't want the campus to be a sea of white faces. I've visited some schools where it seemed the student body was primarily white and that is very foreign to me.
• Multiple faith groups- I do not care what the denominational affiliation of the school is. I want there to be many different denominations represented in the students and staff.
• Non-christian students- Having Jewish and Muslim students adds to the learneing experience. one of my interests is interfaith dialogue and in order to make this better you need other faiths.
• A commitment to social justice- classes that are focused on our role as Christians within our world, a focus in classes, in spirital life and in social life on hunger, LGBTQ issues, economic exploitation, etc.
• A concern for the environment- I like the environment...my current school doesn't. I want a school that cares about recycling and preserving our planet and our roles as stewards of God's creation.
• Classes in topics that interest me- classes on feminist theology, war studies, interreligious dialogue, polity, sex, the theology in other cultures, liberation theology, LGBTQ issues within the church
• Welcoming churches in the area- They don't have to be PCUSA (though that is prefered), but I need a church that I can go to for three years where I can feel comfortable and feel at home.
• Reformed theology- I need a school where the beliefs align somewhat with my own. I'm think catholicism and Adventism are out, sorry guys!
• Active campus life (clubs, events etc)- I want to attend clubs. I haven't had a real chance to in my undergraduate career. clubs on LGBTQ issues, denominational, for things I care about. I want to attend events hosted by faculty, and different clubs. plays, preformances, things that give you the real seminary/ a graduate school experience.
• A city- I grew up in the city and as much as I love the rural life I still love the city. Seminary in the city makes it easier to get around, easier to attend events, easier to interact with people.
• Easy to get around the neighboring places- this really means I a place with public transportation. Yes, I have a car but I hate to drive. If I want to go out to a movie or to grab a bite to eat I don't want to have to drive all the time.
• On-campus housing- It's preferable, but not absolutely necessary
• Faculty and students interacting- I want to learn from faculty that actually know who I am. I do not want to be just a number to them. I want them to know my name and where I come form and I want to know the same about them.

I guess this is a rough list of what I am looking for in a semiary. Even with just this list I feel that my search is more focused. I do wish that there was a collegeboard type search engine for seminaries. Just put in the info I care about and it pops up with which semianries to look at. But now that I have this list of what I care about maybe my decision making will become easier?

What Am I Doing With My Life?

Today I freaked out! I don't really know what happened. One second I was working on seminary applications and looking at different seminaries' websites, and the next I was freaking out and thinking that there is no point in going to seminary and I would be better off becoming a hobo.

Applying for seminary has been so stressful. There are so many different factors to consider. My list has also been shortened dramatically because of the cost of applications. Princeton's application deadline is February 15th and I am hoping to get the finances together so that I can submit the application by that date. The only thing stopping me is the fees. My back up is Andover Newton Theological School. Part of me wants to go there because it is comfortable. I've spent a lot of time at Andover Newton over the years and it isn't far away. I plan to apply to Iliff School of Theology in Denver. It doesn't have an application fee is I apply prior to March 31. While on their website today I saw that they have a program in conjunction with the University of Denver for the Doctor of Philosophy in Religious and Theological Studies degree program. The concentration that truly interests me is Religion and Social Change. But can I picture myself with a doctorate? Dr. Devin. That's weird. They also offer a Social Change concentration with their M.Div.

I do not think that I want to be a pastor in the pulpit every Sunday. While I enjoy working with youth I do not see myself as a youth pastor either. The thing that I am truly interested in and would like to, somehow, work with is equality. Economic equality, gender equality, all different types of equality. Organizations like That All May Freely Serve and The Morelight Presbyterians are amazing! I could see myself being involved with groups like these and other groups that address other equality issues. Social Justice is a huge concern of mine. I guess I just want to help the world, as cliche as that sounds. But I suppose there is reasoning behind why my friends have nicknamed me Dix (as in Dorothea Dix).

I can also see myself working with groups like my beloved World Communion of Reformed Churches or maybe the World Council of Churches. I think ecumenical work is cool! Volunteering for the World Communion of Reformed Churches was one of the best ideas I have ever had. So social justice, equality, ecumenism, theology, social change, world religions. These are my interests, but how do I turn those into a career? How do I sustain myself? How do I prove to my family that I am not wasting my life by studying religion and by trying to help others?

I dream of Princeton

The deadline for Princeton is in 28 days. or if you prefer 681 hours. 40870 minutes. 2452190 seconds.
When I first started thinking about the possibility of seminary Princeton was at the top of my list. Other schools were added and taken off of the list throughout my research, but Princeton was the one school that always stayed on the list. I've talked to people over the years about Princeton and knew along that is was an amazing school. When I visited last semester I realized that I could truly see myself there. See myself on campus, in the dorms, in classes.
When Shelby was applying to college she tried picturing herself in college and every time she did she pictured herself at Champlain College (Burlington, VT) and when I picture myself in seminary, I picture myself at Princeton. I picture myself studying at a table, drinking tea, in the student center. I picture myself in classes, I picture myself in Chapel. When I picture Seminary, the only seminary I can picture is Princeton.
I've been working endlessly on my Princeton application and yet I am stuck. I had no problem with the question where I had to discuss a current theological issue/event. I wrote about amendment 10A and I'm confident in what I wrote. The part I am having a problem with is a part that previously would have been so easy for me. The autobiographical essay is killing me. I have never had problems writing about my faith. While it is immensely personal I suppose I have always been confident in my beliefs. That is not to say that I am not confident in my beliefs now, but something is blocking when I attempt to answer this question. I do not where to start and what aspects of my faith to explain. I have 28 days left to turn this application in, but I would like to finish it a lot sooner. I would like to have turned it in already but alas I am stuck.
I can picture myself at Princeton. I dream about Princeton. In my head I am formulating my summer around the summer language program. I want to be at Princeton, I need to find a way to unblock myself and finish this application!

Princeton wrap-up

I am really glad I decided to take the trip down to Princeton. I have known so many people that have gone through Princeton that I had an image of it in my headed, but I really needed to go there and see if the image in my head actually matched up with the school. Overall, I would say that it did. Here is my breakdown of Princeton:
What I liked:

• The campus is beautiful
• Almost everyone lives on campus, which is great because it puts a real emphasis on community
• Faculty all live very close to campus
• There are three dorms on campus and everyone is intermingled (it isn't like Juniors live in one, middlers in another, and seniors in a third). I went into a dorm room and it was gigantic compared to dorms at other schools. And everybody gets a single!
• the faculty I met seemed very approachable and students say that the faculty is amazing
• There seems to be a great dining area (yes they always put out better food when prospectives come but the regular food was great too), they know how to cook proper vegetarian food (not the AUC fake stuff), and they will cater for dietary needs!
• Worship isn't mandatory but it is offered every day. And every service is different.
• There is a multicultural aspect.
• Everyone on campus genuinely seems nice. Students, faculty, staff, etc stopped and talked to me because I was looking at the school.
• It's PCUSA, so basically I could be living polity everyday, which will really help with the ordination process
• 100% of tuition is covered
• Not everyone is going into Pastoral Ministry. I have no clue what I want to do. I feel called to serve in ordained ministry but I'm not sure in which capacity. I have interests in Social Justice, The Global South,and Ecumenical relations but what can I do with that?
• The classes are amazing. And just because 2 people are getting the same degree doesn't mean they will take the same classes. My friend and her husband have both done the M.Div program at PTS and only took 3 of the same classes.

What I don't like:

• It's 5 hours from home...I'm sick of driving after the first 2 hours
• I got lost in the middle of nowhere New Jersey on my way home!
• It's more rural than I was hoping for (but apparently its 1 hour to NYC, 1 hour to Philly, not too far from the Poconos, not two far to the beach, etc so you make it work)

Obviously the list of things I like greatly outweigh the list of things I don't like. So if I get in, it's pretty easy to see that PTS would be my choice.